Intimacy: Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink...

By socially awkward - 10/03/2012 06:00 - United States

Today, I discovered that the amount of alcohol I have to drink to build up enough courage to talk to women at a bar is the exact amount of alcohol that prevents me from getting a boner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 306

You deserved it 8 923

May weddings: Love and blunders
Weddings are supposed to be perfect, but our stories show that perfection can sometimes be... surprising! More…

Previous FML Next FML

Same thing different taste

By sickened - 25/08/2009 14:17 - Philippines

Today, my friends and I went out drinking, and luckily enough, the guy I have had a crush on for four years now was there. I tried to get drunk so that I can make a move and blame it on the alcohol. I went in to whisper my confession in his ear... only to puke on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 758

You deserved it 68 041

Mommy's little helper

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - United States - Oakland

Today, my drinking problem became apparent when my daughter asked for a glass of juice, and I instinctively poured a large glass of scotch instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 725

You deserved it 38 988

Unfazed and dazed

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2016 but it's good stuff - United Kingdom - Lewes

Today, I found out that licking your very chapped lips while totally zoned out and looking in the general direction of a girl, will end up with you becoming the massive college creeper that everyone avoids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 538

You deserved it 3 691

By jcesom - 29/07/2009 05:53 - United States

Today, I showed by ID to get into a bar and the bouncer kept it because he said it wasn't me. It was. Apparently I've gained so much weight I am unrecognizable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 542

You deserved it 15 930

Wanking in the New Year

By Lonesome - This FML is from back in 2014 but it's good stuff - United States - Bossier City

Today, I realized just how lonely I am when I tried to time my ejaculation to happen right as the new year started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 749

You deserved it 13 268

Night on the tiles

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Ireland - Gorey

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to sneak out of work early and pay a little visit to the pub. I ended up staggering home, drunkenly making myself a nacho cheese dorito milkshake with the blender, then promptly puked my guts out all over the kitchen table. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 977

You deserved it 46 582

Sneaky

By Anonymous - This FML is from back in 2015 but it's good stuff - Canada - Owen Sound

Today, I caught my dad sneaking a drink of whiskey outside, shortly before my wedding. I asked if he was seriously getting drunk at a time like this. He looked at me and scoffed, "It's the only way I'm gonna get through this stupid shit." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 996

You deserved it 5 048

Pros and cons

By aylla - This FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - Canada

Today, I was diagnosed with vertigo. It's like being perpetually drunk, but without any of the fun bits. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 397

You deserved it 2 483

By myusofwe - 06/02/2016 01:33 - Puerto Rico - Caguas

Today, I finally got the chance to sleep with the guy I like. He couldn't get it up and awkwardly tried to stick his limp penis in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 933

You deserved it 3 025

Betz 10

Saturday 10 March 2012 12:00

Use that same amount of alcohol to get her drunk instead. Problem solved.

Psycho_Babydoll 26

Saturday 10 March 2012 12:10

Get off the Internet, Raaj.

Comments

Namenlos_fml 20

Saturday 10 March 2012 21:45

Speaking of triumphs of evolution, or intelligent design....

Akharr01 5

Saturday 10 March 2012 22:54

Enough is never enough

The_Great_Zucchi 15

Saturday 10 March 2012 23:42

edit: nvm

fiz1kaL 6

Saturday 10 March 2012 23:45

Fold it in half, stuff it in, and nature will fix itself. Unless your dick knows that the 10 is really a 2, than listen to it...

Argenisjose 9

Sunday 11 March 2012 0:05

Raj from the big bang theory is that you

happilyever2012 6

Sunday 11 March 2012 0:07

That stinks, sorry OP :(

Taurus_ChicKa 36

Sunday 11 March 2012 0:52

I'm sorry, but how can anyone say OP doesn't deserve this? If you need alcohol to talk to women, I suggest seeking professional help.

Girlybanana 2

Sunday 11 March 2012 1:16

Kootharppali?

Honda288 2

Sunday 11 March 2012 5:00

Well then your ******. Good luck with life my friend.

DaddyLongStroke 1

Sunday 11 March 2012 5:14

I you need is one, which can be blamed for all usual behaviors.

Keywords

Awkward Love Embarrassing Family Weddings Public freakouts Bodyshaming AITA Transportation Cars Cops Kids Sexism Work Relatable Mental health Growing old Health Animals Cats Periods Job interview Education Social Media Instagram Stalker Spiders Ironic Phobias Bikes

The Top

Today, my boss fired me because someone hacked our website and replaced pictures of our products with furry porn (don’t Google it, it’s weird as fuck). We don’t have an IT department, but since I spend the most time on the computer controlling stock and purchases, he blamed me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 661

You deserved it 161

Today, I was tempted into clicking a shady link with the promise of free MP3s of De La Soul’s first four albums, with all the original samples. Long story short, I had to do a system restore on my laptop. Now it won’t play audio files for some inexplicable reason. FML

I agree, your life sucks 73

You deserved it 687

The Top

Today, I went on a hiking date with my significant other. Trying to be adventurous and assertive, I suggested we take a shortcut through the woods. We got hopelessly lost and ended up spending the night in a deserted ranger station. Turns out, my idea of adventure is not quite as romantic as it sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 101

You deserved it 642

Today, I was feeling frisky and asked my boyfriend if he wanted a blowjob. He said, "Fuck no", then rolled over to go to sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 266

You deserved it 9 626

Today, while walking home with my girlfriend we decided to take a shortcut in the woods. After hearing a huge noise, she pushed me and ran. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 105

You deserved it 2 875

Today, I was security at a shopping centre and tried to stop a guy from drinking in public. He told me to fuck off and "go play cops and robbers somewhere else", so I tried to escort him to the security office. He picked me up with one hand and threw me in the fountain. My boss let him go with a warning. I hate my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 012

You deserved it 155

Today, I told my supervisor that I want to do the work I was hired to do, which is Data Engineer. He told me he doesn't have the workload for another data engineer, and needs someone with people skills. He's very happy with the current situation. I left my previous job because of the same problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 995

You deserved it 91

Today, I was stuck in stand-still traffic for 5 minutes, before realizing I had stopped behind a parked car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 193

You deserved it 58 430