Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
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Today, my cat somehow managed to lock me out of my apartment by jumping on the doorknob while I was taking the trash out. I had to call a locksmith, and now it's like my cat won't even come near at me, like I betrayed him for allowing a stranger into our home. FML
Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML
Today, out of boredom, I built my cat a little fort. Later, I tried to crawl inside to pet her, but as soon as I stuck my head in, she clawed me. I guess I'm not allowed in, then. FML
Today, my cat managed to lock my dad and me outside of our house. FML
Today, the crazy son of a bitch who lives next door to me once again got into a loud, rather one-sided argument with his cat. Twenty minutes later, he knocked on my door, asking if he could stay at my place for a couple of days. The look he gave me when I said no has me fearing for my life. FML
Today, there's a stray black cat in my apartment complex. It had badly bitten me two months ago and I had to get several injections. Today the same cat barged into my flat when I opened the door to receive a delivery, and it attacked my cat. I barely managed to fight and push him out of my flat. FML
Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML
Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML
Today, I have a cat with separation anxiety. By this, I mean whenever I go in another room and shut the door with her outside, she uses her head as a battering ram to try and break down the door. It's fun trying to sleep too. FML
Today, my cat wanted to go out. She watched me open the front door, leave it open while I got something from the car then come back inside. She then insisted on going out the back door. I'm a slave to a cat. FML
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Top comments
confusedAsFuck 34
Pussy blocked
Pleonasm 35
Laser Pen that bastard into a bin and voilà.
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Comments (189)
confusedAsFuck 34
Pussy blocked
camsterjoe 12
I think you mean twat-swatted
ohgeejosee 19
Listen to your cat. Cats are God. Do NOT disobey or you will be smited!
unchartedwaters 6
I knew there was going to be so many pussy jokes, I just knew it.
addioty 19
hiss hiss ************
T9FTW 20
#79, dogs are gods if anything with 'dog' being 'god' backwards and all...
SwaggCapone 11
I guess you could say your......pussy whipped
Angelofnv 2
*you're -_-
bgibbz 15
Just move it. Are you too pussy to face a pussy?
CallMeMcFeelii 13
There's a few ******* I'm even pussy enough to put my face near those *******. Pussy. Sorry, I had to add another pussy to my pussy rant about those god damn stinky *******!
jonmansheppard 9
25 - Annndd you killed it.
nature_girl_08 14
I won't lie, #2, I work with cats and I know just how much damage and angry cat can do, and the nasty infections that can come from their bites and scratches. That being said, OP could probably grab a blanket and throw it over the cat to move it to another room.
nzfer2 9
Kill the devil cat.
TheOnlyKittyKat 15
This is why we can't have nice things.
jixiekat 14
no wtf
ryanthecheeseguy 18
You tried to be funny, you failed, and you ended up sounding like a heartless asshole.
TogeBara 12
Don't worry man, I thought it was funny since I know what satire is unlike these fools. No one is really going to kill the poor thing, you just wanted to make a joke. People need to take things less seriously.
Xalandra 17
Because the death of a pet should be taken lightly and with humor....how about no?
CallMeMcFeelii 13
So when you hear a joke about a rabbi walking into a bar, you instantly think or anti-
Pleonasm 35
Laser Pen that bastard into a bin and voilà.
TourettesGuyFTW 25
Or the washing machine. At least that has a window so you can watch the little furry shit.
amandalillian 27
You Evil Mastermind
TourettesGuyFTW 25
I didn't say to turn it on..
sniken 14
I vote a shower cabinet... Water torture that vile cat!
mrtoothpick 11
Looks like someone's pussy whipped.
golden_warrior 23
Buy another car to keep him accompanied
OnlyTheDarkest 17
How, when OP can't even leave the apartment?
gracehi 31
Maybe, but then he'd have to add the cat as an additional driver on his insurance and that can get expensive.
mcrepas 19
I think he was autocorrected. My phone hates cats too.
DKjazz 20
8- A fire escape, perhaps?
missd420 16
Cat premiums are through the roof right now, too. Plus,.if he's under 4 you've got a teen driver. Ugh, FYL OP!
missd420 16
Also, I must add that my bottom ad is now Geico which killed me.
EverdreamOfMe 24
How do you know the cat is even feline like driving?
maryaalhindi 9
Aww how cute, it loves you!
candiighal1121 14
more like i love you so much that no one can have you
jonnyblackless 6
The Japanese have a term for this kind of love.. Yandere.
TypeBbitch 15
If I had a dollar for every pussy pun made on here, I'd be rolling in dough x]
karamathes 6
If you got laid for every pussy pun on here you'd be rollin in the pussy.
vipirius 18
Well considering 9 is female and most likely straight, I'm pretty sure she would be rolling in D instead.
DKjazz 20
Can you imagine a ball pit of disembodied penises? What would it feel like? How terrible would it smell?
ShyAnn29 14
51, that is quite a disturbing thought!
Gho5tk3y 17
Unless she's bi, then she's rolling in puddles of joy.
TypeBbitch 15
Lol seriously guys, I'd prefer to not roll in any kind of genitals. I'm happy with just the invisible money:)
8born8 18
C'mon. I'm sure at one point in our lives, we've all thought of the best way to dispose of a body/human remains. I can honestly say that I have & instead of allowing a wave of absolute rage to wash over me and consume me, I imagine the cause that triggered my sudden blind rage in a million pieces. If you know the secret to "hiding" a corpse or dismembered body parts, for heavens sake keep your mouth shut.
kcjc777 8
#70 What the hell are you talking about?
Chubgatti 10
I strongly suggest investing in cat nip. Or a priest.
MikaykayUnicorn 36
How, when OP can't leave the apartment? I don't think they deliver cat nip, or priests.
8born8 18
It's amazing what you can purchase when you shop online...
ThedaRose 15
thats probably not going to help, since OP can't leave their apartment. How would they check the mail?
Angelofnv 2
You can most definitely call a priest and ask him to come over, though most wouldn't unless you are family or a very close friend. They tend not to believe that animals have souls and therefore cannot be possessed.
LindsayxMoore 18
lol gotta sneak out. lock it in the bedroom amd leave.
LindsayxMoore 18
they make crates for animals.
LindsayxMoore 18
hmm this is true. maybe if that cat thinks he is taking him with him?