Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML
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Autumn: Leaves and Laughter
When the leaves fall, the laughter rises. Discover autumn stories as crisp as dried leaves!
Today, my family and I went to a beach where you could swim with dolphins. I was a little scared to swim with them so the trainers had a five minute chat to me about how they were harmless creatures. Once I got in, the dolphin attacked me and bit me. FML
Today, when petting my friend's dog, I acted like I was going to make out with him. While I wasn't looking the dog stuck his entire tongue in my mouth. FML
Today, I overcame my fear of swimming in lakes and went for a swim. I got bitten by an eel. FML
Today, I accidentally adopted a dolphin for $125. FML
Today, at the pool, I decided to face my fears and go off the high dive. I slipped off the edge and did a barrel roll into the pool while screaming like a little girl. FML
Today, against my wishes, my family and I went swimming with sharks. While in the shark cage, a shark got within a few feet of us. My cowardly bowels objected and caused me to shit myself. FML
Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML
Today, we were hanging around the pool with a couple of friends and a crush of mine. Thinking I would be able to impress her with a well-performed dive off the diving board, I went up and attempted my best dive. I slipped as I jumped, hitting my head on the board. I had to be saved by the lifeguard. FML
Today, at the public pool, my boyfriend dived from one side to the other. I jumped in to reward him underwater, kissing him everywhere and grabbing his crotch, until I noticed his shorts were different. I surfaced to see that my boyfriend was still far away. FML
Today, I went swimming at a public pool. When I dove in, my speedos decided they’d had enough of me and slipped right off. I spent a minute underwater debating my life choices before realizing they’d floated to the shallow end, right next to a group of giggling kids. FML
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Top comments
yankeesfancg 13
On the first date
kpc2424 13
They say dolphins are the most intelligent mammals...
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Comments (187)
yankeesfancg 13
On the first date
BreakingGrace 7
"Woah! Take me out to dinner first!"
Nevermind212 11
Turns out they are in love with you more than you do
Jake_Hale 7
OP why does that matter? If it were me I would tongue it back just to say and tell people I've had the opportunity to tongue a dolphin. So many want to do that.
TheCanucklehead 22
38 I'm more of a shark kid of guy
KeXu 6
Actually, when you 'kiss' the dolphin, your supposed to let it kiss your cheek. not go mouth-to-mouth. at least that's per my experience...
AtomicDiamond87 15
She went lezbo
Snazzy_Snaz 17
but 60, that's no fun :(
roro_superloser 13
Score!! First base!!
addioty 19
Tasted a little fishy, eh? Excuse my horrible pun.
Bojack_fml 10
That dolphin had mad game!
maskedman98 6
Damn the dolphin got farther than I did already
kpc2424 13
They say dolphins are the most intelligent mammals...
Ebola_fml 20
Pretty sure humans are mammals too.
vipirius 18
Every passing day leads me to believe the average dolphin is more intelligent than the average human sadly.
ty7in_topic 31
Many dolphin species have larger brains then humans and show brain function that equals humans if not more.
Spider_Web 11
A smaller brain proportional to the animal's body size means the species' brain is more efficient. Bigger brain doesn't mean more intelligent
ty7in_topic 31
That's true, but I ment that as in saying that the part of the brain that have higher level thinking (namely the neocortex) is proportionally larger in dolphins.
drewflav 17
80 - So if we replaced your brain with one the size of a pea you'd be more intelligent than Einstein? Bullshit. A smaller brain is not neccesarily better. On the other hand, as I understand it, a denser brain is in fact the better way to go. Someone correct me if I'm completely wrong but I heard that when Einstein's brain was removed and weighed the scientists were stunned by the fact that his brain was really heavy for its size.
OneGirlTwoCups 13
Actually the component that determines how intelligent you are is how many folds you have on your brain, so if you had a larger brain in comparison to other species, you would actually be able to train your intelligence to a much higher level considering the folds can be a much higher number. Unless there is say, a medical/mental issue in which you learn at a much slower pace in comparison to an average middle class man or woman, your intelligence may likely differ at great rates. Or you're a swaggot, then you would probably be a dumbass. Holy mother of The Flying Spaghetti Monster I wrote a novel- bai
ThankYouGoodbye 14
screw you
\ 28
Intelligence is all about how much you actually learn and how well you apply that knowledge. Today's people can't seem to do either well
Moochi456 20
71- while this may be true a dolphins brain is larger than a humans simply because their bodies are larger. The same with elephants. Yes they are extremely smart but honestly they just have more cells and whatnot that need to be managed. And honestly it's not the size that matters. It the proportions that do. The size of a humans brain in proportion to the size of our bodies is much much larger than any other animal!
ty7in_topic 31
Wow I never realized how much I didn't know. Thanks for the info.
whinthy 18
Or average teenage girl.
iSativa 24
That's better than being humped by a dolphin ..which they actually do.
SammyS2012 21
and better than being raped by a dolphin
junkman6 22
I don't think dolphins can rape. They'll squeal and click which is obviously dolphin for "Surprise!"
Enslaved 36
Swim with dolphins? No thanks. I've heard horror rape stories about their penis being able to grab you and drag you underwater. Just picture a monkey's tail.
Welshite 39
A prehensile penis? Man, the things I could do with that.
skullofdarkness 18
57? 59? I'm honestly disturbed by the turn this is taking.... :s
Somefruits 24
@59, elephants also have prehensile penises. They scratch their bellies and swat at flies with them!
RedPillSucks 31
Can you use it to open a beer?
ColdplaySucks 18
Scientists have placed human decoys in dolphin areas with monitors on them. The dolphins would drag the decoys underwater to caves, rape them, and then shred the decoys in to pieces. Not a pleasant thing.
cristy91 33
I saw a documentary a while ago where they were investigating why all these small porpoises were washing up dead. It turned out that a bunch of younger dolphins were going around and just killing them. Not eating or anything, just killing them and leaving them there. It was pretty crazy that we put these powerful animals into cages and make them flip for fish
jkmartinjk 16
Don't be so shocked everyone. Everyone in the animal kingdom is normal except for us and the dolphins.
Jake_Hale 7
Not really. #3 not many people can say they've been humped by a dolphin let alone enjoyed it.
buckdharma 37
I need my penis to grab a hand since I don't have a hand to grab my penis.
jesustitts 20
50 dolphins can and do rape.. I'll stick to watching them through a tv screen
MistySky 17
Whale, in the end you still got to swim with dolphins:3
quincy2112 9
Think about your puns before you post them.
mannylujan 3
You don't have to be a beach about it. Im sure they didn't make a bad pun reply on porpoise.
lalala96 19
this sounds a little bit fishy.
slooby_fml 25
You tried
JoeGrant 12
Too bad dolphins aren't fish, although I applaud the effort.
bondgirl69 5
Lmao dummy.. They are mammals
lalala96 19
lol I didn't even think about that. I hate most creatures in ocean.
Jelbeztok 17
Why?
Earl_KarmasBitch 34
What do you think a dolphin eats all day? Of course a dolphin slipping you the tongue would be fishy.
Crystal55621 19
I think 5 was referring to the fact that dolphins eat fish, so a dolphin's tongue would be fishy. Unless I'm completely wrong and she thinks a dolphin is a fish. ._. Just ignore me in that case.
shaww 28
That's deFINitely a fishy situation right there. Whale at least you got what you wanted
Welshite 39
Because French kissing a dolphin is something I've always dreamed of doing...
martin8337 35
Bad pun.
DrownedMyFish 18
That was horrible.
Archay 13
I thought they were pretty finny. I'm so sorry that was horrible
golferman72 16
Yours was the third AWFUL pun in a row
a17eathshot1 11
sucks for you.... yoloswag
CallMeMcFeelii 13
Hey, I've seen dolphins do worse things than that. I'd count your blessings.
a17eathshot1 11
hahhh sucks for you op
SarMarJo 17
You know, dolphins have sex for fun just like humans. ;) she wanted you.