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Today, I spent the first night in my new home as a first-time homeowner. I was relaxing and enjoying the feeling of having my own space when I reached over to get my glasses and came back with a cockroach. FML

Today, I angrily waved away an annoying fly with a large knife. I stabbed myself in the shoulder. FML

Today, my wife and I were born on the same day, married on our birthday date. Today is our birthday and anniversary, and today we are getting divorced. FML

Today, I got out of my bed and immediately stepped into a half-eaten bowl of cereal. FML