gardengnome0000

Today, I noticed I have to lift up my fat to see my penis. FML

Today, my wife actually had the balls to tell me that we can't have sex for the rest of her nine month pregnancy, because according to her, "I don't want twins." FML

Today, I met my new neighbor. His wi-fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML

Today, a cute guy in a bar came up to me, and we started chatting. I'm a natural blonde, and he commented on how nice my hair was. He then followed this up with, "Does the carpet match the curtains?" FML

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't have sex with me because he doesn't want his mom "watching from heaven." FML