Today, at work I grabbed some customer keys off the board. I was checking out their cool flashlight keychain. At the exact moment I realized it wasn't a keychain, I pepper sprayed myself directly in the right eye. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father says, "We know whose meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML
Today, three of the four stalls were occupied in the restroom. I took the fourth stall. Upon sitting, I let out one of the longest, loudest farts I have done in a long time. Next, I heard, "Hey, how's it going?" I was CORRECTLY identified by a co-worker hearing me fart. FML
Today, I was laying in bed naked and blindfolded. I told my boyfriend he could do anything he wanted to me. About 30 minutes later I get out of bed and find him in the computer room play World of Warcraft. His friends needed him. FML
Today, I had my first job interview and didn't have much of an appetite because of the nerves, so I grabbed a brownie that my roommate had left in the fridge and ate it on the train ride in to the city. About 20 minutes into my interview, I was so stoned I couldn't speak. FML
Today, I was insulted online by a teenager, who said that I was probably a fat loser who still lives with their mother and a couple of cats. They were right. FML
Today, I went to meet my girlfriends parents for the first time. I accidentally drove past their house the first time, but saw the whole family outside waiting to meet me. I pulled a U-Turn and heard a thud. The whole family watched me run over their dog. FML
Today, my boss asked me to pick up some supplies for a presentation. I entered the store in the middle of an armed robbery, was knocked to the floor, and had my cash, phone and credit cards stolen. When I told my boss the story, she said, "So were you able to get the binder clips?" FML
Today, I had my first meeting with business partners as I am new to the team. Instead of saying that I was looking forward to "stretching my legs" or "spreading my wings", I told them I was anxious to start "spreading my legs". FML
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