Miss 31 years-old Single
Today, I bought a PS4 online for my boyfriend's birthday. I put it on our joint credit card through Paypal to keep it a surprise. The company decided to ruin that surprise when they called him to confirm the transaction. FML
Today, I accidentally superglued my hand to my grandmother's ornate fan while trying to fix it. FML
Today, as a nursing assistant, I often hear that the biggest thing people get from their job is satisfaction of helping others get better. Biggest thing I've gotten out of it? Shingles. FML
Today, I went to a comedy show, expecting to feel better about a difficult relationship. Instead, I saw a performance written by the girl who loves my husband, about my husband, and how she loves him. FML
Today, my uncle asked me to help him organize a surprise party for my twin sister. I think he doesn’t get the concept of “twins”. FML
Today, my cellphone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself. Obviously it wasn't stolen by any of those people. FML
Today, a guy who annoys me walked over. To avoid speaking to him, I pretended to be on the phone and he walked away. A few moments later, my phone rang. I looked around to see if he'd seen me. He had. He was the one calling me from down the hall. FML
Today, I decided to go swimming. I knew my technique would be off because I haven't swam since high school. It was when I made it only halfway across the pool that the lifeguard decided to jump in and save me. I wasn't drowning or struggling. FML
Today, I decided to tell my family, including my husband, that I'm pregnant. Their reaction was basically a "meh" before returning to watching the World Cup. FML
Today, I turned 21 and had a huge party because I could finally drink legally. Got arrested for public intoxication. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's family. I thought everything was going well until I went to the bathroom and overheard his family tell him he could have found something better. FML
Today, a reliable source informed me that my suspicions that I would soon be fired were wrong. Instead, my boss plans to make my life miserable until I quit. FML
Today, I was walking to class with my roommate. She didn't notice the car coming up behind her because her headphones were in. As I pulled her out of the way, she thought I was goofing around and shoved me back... in front of the car. I got hit and rolled off the hood. FML
Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML
Today, my grandma posted an embarrassing childhood photo on my school's events page. I told her everyone could see it, and asked if she could take it down. She freaked and commented on it, apologizing for posting it. Now I feel guilty for embarrassing her, and it's still on the page. FML
Today, I learned that "eating someone out" didn't actually involve food. FML
Today, while having sex with my husband, he accidentally elbowed me in the face. I don't know which is worse: that he didn't stop to see if I was OK, or that it seemed to turn him on and he climaxed immediately after he'd hit me. FML
Today, I found out that my parents got married on their second date because they were mildly intoxicated, bored and wanted something to do. FML
Today, my power went out due to a huge snow storm. I was in desperate need of candles and flashlights. I had to walk to the store since the roads were closed. I walked 4 miles in the blizzard. When I got home, the power came back on. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I love him. He responded with, "That's nice. You know what I love? Chicken wings. Let's go get some." Apparently, he doesn't remember I'm a vegetarian either. FML
Today, my good buddy of about two years set me up on a blind date. I got to the meeting point and realized that my date was a guy. My "buddy" honestly thought I was gay. FML
Today, things got heated with my boyfriend for the first time. Turns out he's even more inexperienced than I thought; when I started grinding against him, he frowned and said, "Um... why're you doing that? We've still got clothes on..." FML
Today, I had a job interview. After two hours of commute, thirty minutes filling out questionnaires, and fifteen minutes of actual interview, the recruiter told me the post had already been filled. FML
Today, I set 3 alarms so I wouldn't miss an early morning event I was volunteering at. After I slept through the first one, my roommate turned the other two off without waking me up because they were annoying. I missed the event. FML
Today, after I caught my husband cheating and lying, he had the nerve to claim it wasn't a big deal because, "I always come home to you!" FML
Today, my sister told me she is getting married and asked me to be the Co-Maid of Honor. Who is the first maid of honor? Her cat. She is serious. FML
Today, I found out that I am "un-promotable" to the job that I have been promised for the last two years because, I "don't suffer idiots well." Idiots. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three years sent me a text saying: "I don't think we can see each other anymore, the nights were great, but I think I'm falling in love with Julie". I'm Julie. FML
Today, I was having a funny conversation with a guy I had met on Xbox. I told him the state I lived in, and he said, "Don't tell me that, I might stalk you." He wasn't kidding. He has somehow found out my phone number, and my address. He says he's going to send me flowers. FML
Today, after months of trying to train my cockatiel to perch on my finger, he finally trusted me enough to fly from his cage and land on my hand. I panicked and accidentally backhanded him across the room. FML
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