raptorjebus

Today, everyone thought that I was the one who farted in the lift. FML

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

Today, I was telling my mom that I was really nervous about going to the gynecologist for the first time. Her response, "Oh don't worry, it's not like it's the first time you've spread your legs!" FML

Today, the cute boy in my biology class I had been crushing on invited me over to study for a huge test. Once I got to his house, I really had to use the bathroom. I ended ending up taking a huge dump and clogging up his toilet. He had to come plunge it for me. FML

Today, I got back my math test. Instead of taking the time to mark the mistakes, my professor just circled the bottom half of the page and wrote "OMG." FML

School project [gone sexual]

Today, I had to give a presentation about Adolf Hitler. I wanted to point out that he was a good speaker, and could incite passion in a crowd. Instead, what came out was, "Hitler's oral skills made everyone go wild with excitement." FML

Today, I gave my wife of four years a special anniversary gift: a red rose dipped in liquid gold so that she would cherish and admire it forever. She told me it was too "Italian" looking. I now have a hundred dollar rose sitting in my office. FML

Today, a very good friend of mine said he had a question to ask me. Jokingly, I threw my arms around his neck and said, "Oh yes, yes, a thousand times yes!" When I sat back down, I saw tears in his eyes, and he said, "You've made me the happiest man alive" as he pulled a small box out of his coat. FML

Today, I finished writing the most perfect love letter for this girl at summer school. At the end of the letter I signed: Your secret admirer. Cute, right? Not really. Turns out I was so anxious to finish the letter that I ended up writing my name at the bottom. FML

Ouch

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

Today, I found out that my mom goes through my garbage. I'm 25 and don't live with her. FML

Today, my schlong decided to enter Mortal Kombat with my pants zipper. Guess which of the two won a flawless victory? FML

Today, I received an email from an ex who I haven't heard from in two years. Excited that it might be her asking if we could meet up, I opened it. It was a virus. FML