Missouri, USA 32 years-old
Today, I had drunk sex with a girl that I barely know. I didn't have a condom and was nervous about getting her pregnant, but she assured me that I could pull out. Right when I was about to pull out, she wrapped her legs around me and yelled, "BE MY BABY'S DADDY!" I couldn't get out in time. FML
Today, while working at Subway, a man ordered a sub with avocado. When I told him it was no longer available, he screamed, spit in my face and ran out, pushing over an innocent bystander in the process. FML
Today, while in line at a gas station, I felt something on my shoulder. I turned around only to see a woman behind me pulling the sunburnt skin off my shoulder. When I told her to stop, she yelled, hit me with her purse and ran off crying. FML
Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML
Today, my ex-boyfriend called to tell me that he had always made a point to eat some form of meat before making out with me. He'd known I was a vegetarian since the day we met. FML
Today, I was sitting in the hospital waiting area. An old lady was crying, and my five year-old daughter asked her, "Are you okay?" The woman quietly nodded, prompting my daughter to scream at the top of her lungs, "Well shut up then!" FML
Today, while flicking my bean, I was thinking about my boyfriend who moved to California last week. Before I came, I had to stop because I started crying. FML
Today, I met my new neighbor. His Wi-Fi access point is named "TheRapistDownstairs." FML
Today, my little brother proudly informed me that he found a way to suck pool water up his asshole. FML
Today, I introduced my parrot to oranges. Now she makes a high pitched scream if I don't give her any, and I've just run out of oranges. FML
Today, I woke up exhausted because a croaking frog had kept me awake the night before. This has happened every night for the past week, and no matter how far away I take the frog, it always ends up sitting in the same place the next morning. FML
Today, while watching Rio, I got a boner when Blu and Jewel kissed. This is almost as pathetic as getting a boner a few days ago while watching Homer and Marge kiss on The Simpsons. I think I'm way past the point of ever getting laid. FML
Today, after 3 hours in a cramped car with my family, we stopped at a gas station. I got out of the car and the first words out of my mouth were, "It feels so good to be able to walk!" That's when I noticed the elderly man sitting in a wheelchair only a few meters away. FML
Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
