Today, my ex of three years wanted me to comfort him because his new girlfriend broke up with him as well. And what do I do? I help him, I don’t fucking know why, and now he won’t leave me alone. FML
Today, we had a field trip to the local theme park. As I explained the safety rules, one of the students piped up with, "Yeah, I'm ditching you. Y'all are going to be the ones puking your guts up all over the place." He was right. FML
Today, I went to the farm my girlfriend's parents live on. She was showing me around the barn when she picked up a tool and said, "We used this to castrate the goats… and I'll use it on you if you piss me off." FML
Today, I watched as my girlfriend washed the last of the dishes with a dishcloth, then used that same dishcloth to wipe down the counters. I now understand why we always have bugs. FML
Today, I surprised my boyfriend by baking him some cookies for the first time. He took a bite and said, "Wow, these taste exactly like the ones my mom used to make!" I couldn't bring myself to admit that I'd used a store-bought mix, because I can’t bake to save my life. FML
Today, I tried to compliment a woman’s scarf by saying, “That’s a nice wrap!” She misheard me and thought I said, “Nice rack!” She glared at me and loudly said, “Excuse me?!” in front of about twenty people. FML
Today, I dragged my entire family to the beach for a swim. I don’t know what was up with the tides but the water was all over the place as soon as we came near. FML
Today, I told my 21 year-old son he either has to break up with his girlfriend, who fills his head with lies about me, or I'd stop speaking to him. He laughed and said he'd fine with us not speaking ever again. FML
Today, I sucked so bad that I faked an injury during a football game to get out of playing. FML
Today, I was trying to get a girl's attention, because I had a question. I shouted her name. No answer. I shouted again but louder. It wasn't her. FML
Today, I sneezed while getting my keys from my pocket on the way to my front door, dropped them into a storm drain, and then had to explain to my landlord that my reason for needing the spare key was "seasonal allergies." FML
Today, I got a call from my doctor telling my I tested positive for an STI (first time in my fucking life). Mind you, I got the call while my dermatologist was cutting open my butt cheek to drain an abscess. I also got told on top of the new hole in my ass and the STI that I also have a yeast infection. Happy Monday. FML
Today, my mother-in-law went ballistic for me letting my kids watch the Ladybug and Cat Noir movie, because there is one black spot on Ladybug's costume positioned to look like a patch of pubic hair, and is therefore inappropriate for children. It’s a cartoon about superheroes, FFS. FML
Today, I was gambling on pull tabs. My friend, never much of a gambler, asked to take one. I was confused but gave one to him anyway. I got precisely $0 from them. The tab I gave to my friend was a winner. How much was it worth, you ask? Six hundred dollars. I'm very happy for him, but… seriously? FML
Today, I had a scholarship interview video call. I spent an hour making my room look smart. A minute in, my little brother walked in behind me wearing a cape and carrying a spoon like a mic. I smiled through the interview whilst he proclaimed, “Welcome to my show!” and did a spin in the background. They asked follow-up questions, which somehow made it worse. FML
Today, I went to a friend's wedding, only to realize I'd forgotten my dress shoes. I ended up wearing my pair of Converse Chuck Taylor's with my suit and stood out like a sore thumb in all the wedding photos. FML
Today, during my first day at my new job, my manager told everyone to “share one fun fact about yourself.” I panicked and blurted out, “I once accidentally washed my passport.” Everyone laughed, which was fine until my boss said, “So that’s why your background check is taking so long?” FML
In all seriousness, be safe out there guys!
Today, after months of peace and quiet since January, a new family moved into the apartment below me ten minutes before I was about to go to sleep. They've been here for 30 minutes and already they're stomping and banging doors all over the place. FML
Today, I realized it was mistake telling my son to toughen up and fight his own battles when he told me he was getting bullied. Apparently, his idea of fighting his own battles involves ipecac. I don't know where he got it, but when I asked, he just gave the Kubrick stare and denied knowing what I was talking about. FML
Today, I went to an amusement park with my family and we all decided to ride the tallest rollercoaster. As soon as the ride got going, I realized I'd made a huge mistake and was too terrified to open my eyes. I spent the entire ride screaming, with my hands over my eyes, and afterwards my cousin called me a wuss. FML
Today, I put my AC in my room again in preparation for summer. However, I forgot that my cat messed up the accordion while climbing the window like an idiot, so it no longer closes properly. So there is now an opening in the window that I can't do anything about. Hello, insects. FML
Today, I realized that I've been using the wrong name for a coworker for the past 6 months. I just found out their real name when I saw their name tag. FML
Today, for the fourth day in a row, my nine year-old son dragged his feet when it’s bedtime with any excuse he can come up with. He keeps getting up an hour later to tell me a story. No punishment, nothing works. I gave up and offered him $300, yes $300 cash, to go to sleep. He said no and ran to bed crying, saying I upset him. FML
Today, I walked in the bathroom and smelled a disgusting cheesy smell. I looked at the tub and my boyfriend was furiously scrubbing under his toenails with a nail brush. FML
Today, my husband is mad at me. Why? The family from his brother's wife's side isn't lifting a finger to help during her pregnancy. Observing this, I informed him that I would not be supporting her post-delivery, as my job and my kids are my priority. He thinks I offended him and his family for some reason. FML
Tonday, I spent the night in my car because I didn’t want to go home as I just gave my roommate a 30-day eviction notice. My girlfriend is spending the night at a friend's, and I’m too cheap to get a hotel room. FML
Today, a wasp somehow got into my parents' house, so I went hunting for it with my dad. I found it and, after getting into position, took a strong swing at it with a fly swatter. Unfortunately, being very uncoordinated, I missed. You can figure out the rest. FML
Today, I helped pay my mom's monthly electric and gas bill so she wouldn't have it shut off, since the company wouldn't accept her specific kind of card as payment, and the cash advance they could get was for less than half of the amount. Yes, I double-checked it wasn't a scam. It was for nearly $280 and I'm on SSI. FML
Today, as I was walking out of my building that I have just moved into to walk my dog, a kind neighbour held the door open for us. Just as I walking walking though, I let out the loudest stinkiest fart in history (thanks fertility meds). I guess I’ll have too move out now… FML
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