Today, I found out that the badly-parked car without MOT, that I chose not to report, has been moved and now blocking my car in. I need to get to the shops and have no idea who the driver is. FML
Today, my little brother compared my new haircut to the one Hermione has in the first Harry Potter movie. I assumed this was a compliment, until my sister said, "Hermione's haircut is really cute" and he replied, "Seriously? She looks like shit." FML
Today, I'd booked a day off work so I could sit and read books all day. I told my wife this, and her response was basically, "Well since you're at home not doing anything important, here’s a list of jobs that need doing." I wasn’t aware enjoying reading counted as doing nothing important. FML
Today, I went to the doctor for a routine check-up. When the nurse took my blood pressure, I passed out, and fell off the table. FML
Today, after trying to report my coworkers for bullying me for being fat, HR seriously had the gall to say to not let it get to me and if I’m so bothered by it, then I should do something about it and improve my lifestyle. Apparently, “You can’t control people, but you can control your circumstances.” FML
Today, I listened to my grandma monologue about how if my uncle was born first, my mother (and consequently, I) would not exist. I then got to listen to her rant about what a terror he was. Let's just say I learned and heard some things I'd rather have not known. FML
Today, I got into a fender bender on my way to an important meeting. The damage to my car was minimal, but I was so flustered that I ended up getting lost and arrived late to the meeting. To make matters worse, I'd forgotten my notes in the car and had to wing it. Needless to say, the meeting didn't go well. FML
Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML
Today my boss gathered us to discuss about empowerment, accountability and Objectives and Key Results. My colleague set her OKRs as, “to empower others to do my work for me.” FML
Today, I set a new record: two fender benders in less than 10 minutes. FML
Today, I got broken up by someone I wasn't even sure I wanted to date in the first place. He also made me realize how little self-respect I have right before dumping me. This is the best thing to happen in my love life in years. FML
Today, after I'd bought a daily planner to write down my plans and my accomplishments for this year, we're now in March and it’s completely empty. I realized that I have no goal, no plans, nothing. FML
Today, I’m still crying over my five-month relationship that ended two months ago. I didn't cry this much over my ex-wife. FML
Today, I'm so hopelessly lonely that I've agreed to meet up with my ex for some semblance of friendship. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. I arrived early and waited for him for over an hour. When he finally showed up, he was wearing the exact same outfit as me. FML
Today, I knew my mom wanted to go out to dinner with me and my sisters, and I couldn't remember why, so I called her and said, "Why are we going out to dinner?" and she goes, "Well, we always have." I forgot today's the anniversary of my stepdad dying. FML
Today, I experienced the perfect romantic moment as I was sitting on a hill on the beach overlooking the sunset, cuddling my girlfriend. It was abruptly ruined. How? A rat ran past. FML
Today, I was listening to my favorite albums by the Prodigy. Most are from the '90s, with one from 2015. I caught myself thinking about how much better it is than what's out now. It was then that I realized that I AM the old curmudgeon who complains about "today's music." FML
Today, I had to explain to my housemate that the cast of "The Crown" is not the real Royal Family impersonating themselves. FML
Today, my girlfriend complained that our quickies shouldn’t take 45 minutes. FML
Today, I was doing laundry and realized that my father had left dirty underwear soaking in a bucket outside for the last two weeks. I informed him that they needed to be thrown out, and they smelled like sewage. It's been over 95 degrees outside lately here. He then yelled and sweared at me. FML
Today, I found out that I have unnecessarily been using birth control for the past 10 years. A surgery I had following a complication with my first child apparently rendered me infertile, and none of the doctors bothered to enlighten me. FML
Today, my roommate let his dog out. Not even five minutes later, she walked into my room and dropped a deuce. FML
Today, I jumped when, after being home alone for days, I suddenly saw the door handle move. Apparently, the cats weren't happy about being locked out of the kitchen and were pretty close to figuring things out. FML
Today, it's been a week since my girlfriend moved into my house and I have now discovered she is one of those evil, unnatural beings: a Morning Person. FML
Today, I went on a lunch date with a guy I used to work with. When the conversation got dry, I asked him if he went by “Chris” or “Christopher” these days. His name is Daniel. My brain knew my mistake as I said it. Just when I thought the silence couldn’t get more awkward. FML
Today, I found out why you never leave wet leather shoes in a van when it's over 90 degrees. FML
Today, I read on Facebook that someone shat outside our block of flats. I laughed and showed it to my friend who was with me. She turned to me, and said, "That was you, we were locked outside last night and you needed to pee, but a poo slipped out." FML
Today, I was out to dinner with my boyfriend and his parents. It was my first time meeting them, so I was a bit nervous. As we were talking, I accidentally let out a loud burp. His parents looked at me in shock, and my boyfriend just laughed and said, "Well, she's certainly comfortable around you two." FML
Today, I'm freshly unemployed and so exhausted from my former job that I can actually really use the rest. Too bad that, for reasons ranging from cat noises to period emergencies, I have woken up at 6 a.m. for 4 days in a row now. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
