Today, my boyfriend proposed! I wanted to get a jump on things so I started looking at photographers, and he mentioned he already knew a good one. I went to check out the photographer’s Instagram and found a picture of my boyfriend… and his wife. FML
Today, after months of peace and quiet since January, a new family moved into the apartment below me ten minutes before I was about to go to sleep. They've been here for 30 minutes and already they're stomping and banging doors all over the place. FML
Today, I got fired for “insubordination.” All I did was ask how my compensation would be adjusted due to my coworker quitting and having to do her job until her position is filled. I live in Florida, which is an “at will” employment state. FML
Today, my dentist asked me if I floss regularly. Wanting to avoid judgment, I lied and said yes. He nodded, started cleaning my teeth, then pulled out an entire popcorn kernel that had apparently been living in my gums long enough to pay rent. FML
Today, it's been about year since I had worms. They're easy to treat but I told no one because I was so embarrassed. Was my house unclean? Was my food undercooked? Cue months of paranoia. Today my parents told me that their cat had worms last year. The same cat they asked me to cat-sit for two weeks. No one told me. FML
Today, my boyfriend of three months decided to break it off with me, all because I used ChatGPT to research something. FML
Today, my roommate and I got into a heated argument over whether people should wear shoes inside the apartment. It escalated so badly that we now have masking tape dividing the floor into “shoe zones” and “clean zones” like a low-budget international border. Guests have started asking for instructions before entering. FML
Today, I discovered my childhood crush's account after mourning our separation for years. I texted him and I introduced myself to him. I thought he would be as surprised and excited, but unfortunately he'd forgotten all about me. FML
Today, I had a dream that my mom hugged me and told me she loved me. I woke up to her banging on my door, barging into my room, inspecting it, and then telling me to “just fucking kill yourself, because you're genuinely a bad person” before slamming my door. My room was perfectly clean and tidy. FML
Today, it's been a year since I graduated high school and nobody, not even my own friends, has hit me up since then. I may as well be dead to them. I was in a band, but I'm now realising they only pretended to be nice to me since I was the only person in the school who knew how to play bass. I haven't talked to a soul other than my family and myself since. FML
Today, I asked my foster parents to adopt me. They said no because my dad's getting out of prison soon. FML
Today, after weeks of psyching myself up, I finally asked my crush to go out for coffee. She smiled and said yes. Feeling on top of the world, I turned to leave, walked straight into an opening glass door, and gave myself a nosebleed before the date had even happened. FML
Today, I went to the bathroom after my 9 year-old nephew. Apparently nobody taught him to lift the seat when he pees, or how to aim properly, because when I sat down, I sat in his pee. FML
Today, my ex called and asked if he could take me to a music festival. I asked him to take me to one years ago and he made me feel so stupid for asking that I lost any desire to go to festivals ever again. I'm so glad he gets to enjoy something he ruined for me. FML
Today, after wishing my closest friend a happy birthday yesterday, he ghosted me without saying anything. FML
Today, and for the past week, I practiced my speech for the school debate team. Right as I started, my 14 year-old voice cracked so hard that the first sentence came out sounding like a startled goat. The judge tried not to laugh, but I spent the rest of the round fighting octave changes in my voice. FML
Today, my dad insists I have to deep clean my bathroom multiple times a day, because in his words: “Once a day just isn’t cutting it.” I have depression. FML
Today, I hate what my beloved Renaissance Faires have become. Hardly anyone dresses in period-accurate garb anymore. Everything is all dumb mushrooms, slutty “fairies”, and pirates. None of which existed in the time period we’re supposed to be in. Nothing authentic at all! FML
Today, I'm an Indian man at college and I'm nicknamed "Uber Eats" by half the campus. Every time I walk around, I hear, "Look, it's Uber Eats." I shout at them and demand that they stop but they just laugh at me. FML
Today, I finally convinced my grandpa to try a smartphone. After an hour of teaching him how to text, he announced he'd figured it out on his own. The first message he ever sent was meant for me. It went to his pharmacist instead and simply read, "Love you. Thanks for everything." FML
Today, I sent my ex nudes and then asked him if he saved them, only for him to reply with, "Nah, they weren't nude enough." Mind you, he cheated on me. FML
Today, I was trying to get a tan on my grandma's back yard with my shirt off, and I was sure that she was sleeping. Ten minutes in, she wanted to know what I was doing while she got on her phone, and I got embarrassed because I thought she was sleeping, but she was standing RIGHT THERE. I HATE EVERYTHING. FML
Today, I was giving a lecture when I noticed everyone smiling at me. I thought my jokes were finally landing until a coworker pointed out that the price tag from my brand-new shirt was hanging out of the back of my collar the entire time. FML
Today, after seven years, I finally found out why my sister was mad at me: Because I had to get admitted to give birth on the day she had planned her baby shower, which she didn't inform me about or invite me to. As I stole her thunder by giving birth, being full term 44 weeks and way past my due date. FML
Today, my sister, brother-in-law, and all his family cusses at me and has labeled me as a "bad influence" to my nephew. He is smart, good looking, and has A LOT of future opportunities in life. They found out I'm supporting his "worthless" and "penniless" career of choice. He's dead set on being a Roman Catholic priest. FML
Today, I’m at my third ER visit in a week for an extremely painful ovarian cyst. The people next to me are reading aloud from a Christian Science book. I’m in hell. FML
Today, it sucks so bad because I have fibromyalgia, which is a chronic pain there is no cure for. Right now I hurt so bad that I want to go to the hospital to stop the pain, but they won’t do anything. FML
Today, I took the last parking spot in a crowded lot, got out feeling victorious, then immediately stepped in a puddle deep enough to soak my foot all the way through to my sock. FML
Today, I introduced my girlfriend to my family. My brother insulted her weight so many times she left in tears. Not only does he not understand why what he did was wrong, he’s genuinely livid with me for being upset with him, to the point that he damn near slugged me when I confronted him. FML
Today, I really tried to talk to my wife how I feel that she hates me and is with me out of pity. She denied it all but by the end of the conversation mentioned she wants a divorce. FML
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