Today, our entire department got the official email that we were fired, in the middle of the pizza party we were all given in lieu of the bonus we should have gotten for exceeding our targets for this quarter. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me for asking to spend time with him after not seeing him very much in three months, because he doesn’t have time for me and is so stressed out he doesn’t have time for fun. Then he decided he should go to Mexico with the people he works and lives with so they could have fun together. FML
Today, after an argument, my husband bet he could go longer without sex than me, since he’s used to me turning him down for weeks at a time, it’s now been a month, and all I want to do is rub against him like a cat, while he’s walking around completely unbothered. He even ignores me when I’m naked. FML
Today, while checking on my mother's photo album, I remembered that I had to take care of my baby brother at age 12 because she worked 60 hours a week and my father was a little too busy with either booty calls or gambling. FML
Today, I happily introduced my stepfather to my friends as my dad. He told me, "Don't ever fucking call me that." FML
Today, I witnessed the most horrifying thing I’d ever seen: my beloved 15 year-old cat having a seizure. The vet says she’s fine and is in remarkably good health for her age, but I don’t think I’ll ever get that image out of my head. FML
Today, I finally had lunch alone with the girl I like. It wasn't bad, but we had a few awkward silences. Still, I got home feeling proud that I’d actually managed to get some one-on-one time with her. But a little while later, my sister pointed out that I’d had a piece of lettuce stuck in my teeth the entire time. FML
Today, I saw the allergist, suspecting a shellfish allergy. I’m allergic to corn, peanuts, oranges, oats, perch, and salmon, but not shellfish. I have a freezer full of food I bought yesterday that I can’t eat. FML
Today, after me and my ex broke up a few weeks ago, I found out he had a new girlfriend, but he was repetitively trying to get back into contact with me to rub it in my face. Then his mum died and she blocked him, so he came running back. FML
Today, my mother-in-law went ballistic for me letting my kids watch the Ladybug and Cat Noir movie, because there is one black spot on Ladybug's costume positioned to look like a patch of pubic hair, and is therefore inappropriate for children. It’s a cartoon about superheroes, FFS. FML
Today, I decided to try online dating, but installed a IP tracker link before I did. Every freaking profile who messaged me was from Nigeria. FML
Today, hours before sleep, I'd thought I'd enjoy eating 4, yes 4, pieces of Millionaire's Shortbread. I now have a sugar rush, can't sleep, and I feel sick. FML
Today, I clicked on an “Angel Message” website link from a website I use to research Wicca. As I am a witch with 7 years experience, I knew this was too good to be true, but thought it would just be good for a laugh. Turns out it was a scam website. FML
Today, my wife had to pay double on a rental car than the one I had reserved because of a "credit issue" nobody was able to give me details on. I couldn't get the car because my card wouldn't insert or swipe properly. I spent an hour trying to get to the bottom of it. FML
Today, I found out that I'm going to have to work really hard to get a job, since I don't have enough money to finish my bachelor's. I thought it'd be easier, but two weeks in, I'm struggling. FML
Today, I got pregnant even though I was on birth control. The father is nowhere to be found and I don’t even know his last name. My parents kicked me out of the house because apparently, “I’m an adult, so make adult choices.” I’m too scared to get an abortion. I’m at my wits' end. All due to failed birth control. FML
Today, I admitted to my fiance that I'm glad I had a miscarriage. He kicked me out and called off our wedding. FML
Today, I introduced my mom to my friend who performed the Heimlich maneuver on me when I was choking. She proceeded to loudly berate and chew him out, saying that he should have gotten an adult and could have hurt me. Now he won't talk to me and I'm grounded for calling her a cunt. FML
Today, I paid for NASCAR tickets for my husband, because it was something on his bucket list. I wanted to do something nice for him. Every time I tell him something he does that bothers me though, his comeback is, "Sorry I’m not perfect, maybe I should just kill myself and you can have all the money." FML
Today, my husband was diagnosed with cancer, but that's not the worst part. He immediately told me he wanted a divorce afterwards. He insists that he's doing it for me. FML
Today, a creep called me out in the street and asked me why I was in that part of that street, because he "knows " I live in another part of the street, and he found it "odd" that I was there. He was smiling all that time too. FML
Today, my girlfriend freaked out because I tried to introduce her to me being a Little. Instead of hearing me out or trying to learn anything real about the lifestyle, she just called me a sick pervert because of all the bad crap people write about us online. FML
Today, I discovered that my fiance only got with me because he has a fetish for black women (he's white). That's the only reason he started dating me. Never mind my career or anything else. All that mattered to him was the color of my skin. FML
Today, my wife got back from two months visiting her unwell mother in Australia. Her mother is a major feeder, so I was trying to be tactful about my wife’s weight gain. Our kids, not so much. They ran to her in the airport and asked her if she was pregnant again because she’s "soooooo big." FML
Today, my daughter told me she never wants to see me again because I had an abortion. She wanted me to have the baby and then give it to her so she could raise it as hers. FML
Today, in my 20s, I was so proud that I could squirt and that it tasted sweet, until a one-night-stand told me to get some blood tests. Long story short, I no longer have type 2 diabetes but my squirt tastes like piss. FML
Today, my ex-fiancee found out that I didn't cheat on her, but said that we can't get back together because too much time has gone by and there's too much of a divide between us. I keep begging and pleading and crying and everything but she won't listen. FML
Today, I've been blessed with a great girlfriend who initiates sex often, but then during the act just lays there looking uninterested while I do all the work. Looking at her bored expression makes me lose all the fun. FML
Today, after I asked a girl out on her birthday and she said yes, I went to her place early in the next morning to give her her favorite bagels. I went to her room to surprise her after her roommate let me in, only to see her blowing some dude's candle, if you know what I mean. I don't thing I'll be taking her out. FML
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