Today, I was walking down the stairs with my guitar in hand, singing, "I Don't Wanna Miss a Thing" to my wife. I sang, "I don't wanna close my eyes, I don't wanna fall…" Before I could say "…asleep", I fell down the stairs. My wife almost pissed her pants laughing. My bum hurts. FML
Today, I had dinner with my boyfriend's family. His 3-year-old nephew came running for a hug. At the last second, he darted past my arms and bit me on the ass. FML
Today, just like when I interviewed for the job, I know nothing about graphic design and I'm not interested in sales. I've just found out that my "project management" job I was hired for now has the job title "Graphic Sales." They changed it after I started 3 days ago. FML
PhoenixChick tells us more.
PhoenixChick 26
OP here- the hilarious thing about them changing the job is that the new "Graphic Sales" job involved being the customer service desk for any customer having problems with their graphics files. There are two full time graphic designers, but they decided the gal who was hired to "make sure production is kept on track" is the one who should answer every single question regarding graphics and deisgn for all current and potential customers. To make things more fun, today I found out that the former owner of the company (and the current owner's dad) has serious age-related memory problems and forgets that he isn't stll the boss. He will show up and start yelling at you and telling you what to do and demanding things. Employees are told to placate him, and try to distraxt him as quickly as possible. But don't do anything to hurt his feelings.
Today, my mother-in-law complained to me about the cost of getting old. She then spent an hour showing me her River Cruise vacation photos from several countries. FML
Today, my husband came clean to having an affair with my sister. I later found out my other sister encouraged the affair because she thought they'd be a cute couple. FML
Today, my mom asked me if I was a lesbian because I haven't brought a guy home in over 7 years. Nope. I'm just a crazy cat lady, minus the cats. FML
Today, I was robbed. I didn't know how the robber got in, as there was no clear signs of forced entry. I later found out that my psycho ex had written my address on the key I lent her when we were going out, then purposely left it on a table in a café. FML
Today, my ex purposely taught our kids to call all the Star Wars characters by Star Trek names. I’m not sure what bothers me more, the fact that she did it, or the fact that it makes me utterly insane when they say them. FML
Today, I had diarrhea at work. While trying to be subtle about the noises, the woman in the stall next to me called me by name and asked if I was having trouble. FML
Today, after attending lectures for months, studying for weeks, and spending hours writing a 15-page research paper, I was informed that due to technological issues during registration, I was not enrolled in the class. FML
Today, I had to explain to my neighbor that not all black people are lactose intolerant. His eyes still bulge out every time I eat cheese. FML
Today, while my fiancé was showing me the finger guard on his brand new, very sharp knife, he managed to slice his finger open and throw the knife onto my leg, cutting me also. There's now a nice trail of blood on the carpet all the way to the bathroom. FML
Today, while I was at work, I heard one of my employees laughing on the phone. I told him to shut up and get back to work. Turns out he was actually crying because his father had just died. FML
Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML
Today, I got a big math test back. Good news: I can connect abstract ideas beyond what was taught. Bad news: I can’t do simple math, such as 30/-5. I failed. FML
Today, I sold my Christmas gift from my father on eBay as I'm so desperate for cash. It's also the day I got scammed by an eBay buyer. FML
naive_girl_fml tells us more.
OP here :) the gift was definitely thoughtless as it was an expensive fountain pen that I have zero use for unfortunately. I told my dad I loved it though...I got scammed because the buyer falsely claimed it was used when it arrived (HE used it). He then opened a case on eBay, sent me loads of aggressive email abuse, threatened legal action and requested my contact details from eBay (so now he has my phone number!). eBay ruled in his favour so I had to refund him... ? I sent the parcel tracked, used Paypal etc. That's the problem really - he is too protected he can just lie and keep the pen and the money!
Today, I got a XXX wax, because my boyfriend wouldn't go down on me as he didn't like the hair. Now he won't sleep with me at all because I look like a child with no pubic hair, and he "feels like a pedophile." FML
Today, I was chaperoning for my 8-year-old sister's class in school. The bus ride was an hour long, so several people didn't make it to the bathroom in time. Unfortunately, one of them was me. FML
Today, after being told two weeks ago that my contract would be renewed, my boss managed to tell me that actually he had other applicants for the job. I will be let go, but he offered me two months extra so I could finish the projects he had me working on. FML
Today, my boyfriend came out of the closet. In the middle of us having sex. FML
Today, while covering lunch for the self-checkout host, I noticed a customer walking away. I smiled and said, "Have a nice night!" A few minutes later, I saw that she'd left without paying on her machine. I'd smiled and waved at a lady as she stole from me. FML
Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML
Today, I’ve been up since 5am getting everything ready for the beach. This is the first nice weekend we’ve had this season. I have a dressed toddler asleep on the couch and grown ass man that refuses to get out of bed. Today it’s 80 degrees. Next weekend is 50 degrees. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were throwing a toy for his dog. He threw it, and I turned my head in that direction, looking for almost a minute before realizing he didn't actually throw it. He's still amused because, "even the dog was smart enough not to fall for that." FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML
Today, my phone charger caught fire. I was thankful to be there to witness it. I was not thankful for having been holding it while this happened, as my shirt caught on fire. FML
Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML
Today, I fistbumped a cashier as they tried to hand me my change. FML
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house while his plumbing was being redone. I really had to pee, but the toilet wasn't working, so I peed in his cat's litterbox. His cat got defensive, and started attacking me while I peed. My boyfriend walked in and saw the whole thing. FML
Today, at my job as a night janitor, at which I work alone, I saw an old man enter a bathroom. When I went to investigate, it was completely empty. I'm now scared to work. FML
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