Today, right now, my husband is on the phone with his friend. Last night I had a dream I was cheating on him with this friend. FML
Today, my grandma told me that if she was a braver person, she would've actually have split up with grandad on their second date, but she was afraid of being alone so she married him instead and had a bunch of kids she never actually wanted. Wow. FML
Today, I found a mysterious button under my desk at work and pressed it out of curiosity. It was the emergency panic alarm. Within five minutes, security, my manager, and then two confused police officers were asking if I was OK. I just wanted to know what the button did. FML
Today, I was bored in a meeting, so I absentmindedly started flipping my phone like a fidget spinner. I lost grip, spun it towards the ground, then watched it slide across the floor directly to my manager's feet. FML
Today, I hit off with a guy I met on Tumblr, and we moved to Discord to chat. We're just friends, but have things in common. Then I accidentally called him while he was driving by clicking the wrong button, because I forgot how to search things up. Now he thinks I'm a creep. Time to build my walls back up again. FML
Today, my wife threw up in the middle of sex, then fell asleep right after. I didn't even finish and it'd been over a month since the last time. FML
Today, my son is so naive that he didn’t notice that a company he interviewed for basically used him as free labour during a 3 day “skills assessment period”, after which he didn’t even get the job. Even after I explained to him they'd used him for 3 days free grunt work, he still didn’t understand. FML
Today, I tried to be helpful at a family dinner and offered to carve the roast. The knife slipped, the serving tray tipped. My uncle caught it with his bare hand like a movie hero. Everyone praised him for dinner-saving reflexes while I quietly sat down. FML
Today, I have a dog I got to help motivate me to keep active and prevent the worsening of my chronic pain and limited mobility. My dog just got diagnosed with chronic pain and limited mobility. Misery likes company, I guess. FML
Today, finally in a the right state of mind to move on from my ex, she dropped a nuke in my life by stating she's getting married. FML
Today, It’s almost been a year since my husband dumped me which was on… Christmas. FML
Today, my partner came home late so I preheated the oven for dinner. My partner got home an hour later, and we put things in the oven. We then go to cook the potatoes on our induction stove. Oh, the stove is off, the breaker must have tripped today. Oh, the oven is on the same fuse. Oh, the food is still frozen. It's 10pm. FML
Today, I was talking with this cute guy. I mentioned the fact that I'm single. His response, "It'd be awkward, but we can still fuck." FML
penisface69 tells us more.
penisface69 17
he said it would be awkward if we went out cause hes a freshman and im a junior. and it wasnt spontaneous. i told him i was bored and he told me to go ********** and i told him im sick of masturbating and he was like what? how is taht even possible? and i was like well ive been doing it for half a decade. it gets old. i need a boyfriend.
Today, I vented to my friend about how unhappy I am and how I want to kill myself. What did she say? "Don't do that." That was it. FML
Today, I stood up to the school bully in a fight. Rather than thank me, the whole school, including some of his victims, now treat me like a psycho. Apparently they tolerated him because of his terrible foster parents, so me hitting him was actually way out of line, and insensitive. How did I become the bad guy here? FML
Today, my bank, being overly paranoid about fraud, declined my Christmas purchase on Amazon because I usually don't spend that much all at once. Instead of Amazon simply asking to try the card again, they instead switched to a different card in the wallet. Which would be fine, except it's a shared family account. FML
Today, it's been a few weeks since I deterred a would-be mugger with judicious use of a stun gun. Now he and his criminal friends are stalking me and swearing revenge. I can't afford to move and the cops are useless. FML
Today, I wanted to go shopping in my new car that I bought just a month ago. When I stepped outside, I saw someone had smashed the driver side's window. They didn't even steal anything. FML
Today, I have bronchitis. A few days ago, my doc prescribed antibiotics, which are helping, but also cause a really nasty upset stomach. I tell ya, violent coughing fits and severe diarrhea do NOT go well together. FML
Today, and ever since my fiance started eating apples instead of junk food, he now has horribly foul diarrhea every morning, and keeps insisting it's his body "flushing out the toxins." I'm about to rent a Porta Potty so our bathrooms don't smell like sewage. FML
Today, my husband started taking language classes. Not something sensible like French or Spanish, but fucking Latin! Why the fuck would anyone learn Latin? What a stupid fuck. FML
Today, I began my first solo holiday at my family's' lakeside cabin. After an hour of tanning in my fave bikini on the lake beach, I saw that I was alone, got brave enough to take a risk, and took off my bikini so my body could get a full tan. Guess when a family from a nearby cabin chose to also come to the lake for fun… FML
Today, I cried so much I felt nauseous and almost puked. Why was I crying? I made up a hot, brooding, cold, and heartless guy who secretly cared about me, and who's super protective. Then I imagined him dying by being stabbed. I cried over a guy I made up in my head. FML
Today, the morning before my flight with my boyfriend’s family at 2 am, I had to use the bathroom and unfortunately the toilet got clogged after a couple of safety flushes. Turns out my boyfriend can’t unclog the toilet and it’s the only toilet in the house of four people. We leave at 5 am. FML
Today, I made a small batch of cookies and took them to work. Mostly everyone took one, but nobody said anything until I asked how they were. Someone asked what my recipe was, because it tasted like I'd forgot to add sugar. I bit into one. I had. The cookies tasted like muddy mush. FML
Today, my boyfriend phoned me at work and broke up with me. Why, you ask? A boy I was semi-seeing about a year ago decided to show my boyfriend's best friend a video of him fucking some girl and said it was me, and that I cheated on my boyfriend. At the end of day, he believes it's not me, but WTF is going on? FML
Today, for some unknown reason, I called my boss "Mum" at the end of a meeting. She paused, smiled, and said, "Aww, love you too, kiddo." The rest of the team in the room lost it. FML
Today, I had to choose between being in excruciating pain and having a happy significant other by doing housework, or resting my sprained ankle and having my significant other pissed off at me because she thinks I’m milking it. She went to bed two hours ago and I can barely move it. Guess which I chose. FML
Today, I picked up my idiot 20 year-old son from a party. He was shit-faced drunk and managed to drop his vape out the window as I was driving. He tried to open the door of the moving car to get out and look for it, and I had to grab him and pull him back in. Legally, this moron is an adult. FML
Today, I got a message that my physician looked up my MRI and is now talking with a neurosurgeon to discuss next steps. No big deal, except this is serious spinal surgery and I'm not sure how expensive this is going to be. FML
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