Today, I'm a social media manager, and a client complained about having to put forward her personality to gain followers, also refusing to promote her works personally on camera. She's an actress. FML
Today, every boyfriend I’ve ever had dumped me because they realised I was serious about saving myself until marriage. I’m now in my late 30s, single, and childless. My sister, whose knickers were up and down like a yo-yo in high school, is happily married with 3 great kids. Religion is for idiots. FML
Today, as I got into an elevator, I spotted a little old lady hobbling desperately to get on. I frantically tapped on the 'door open' button but the doors closed. I got dirty looks from the people in the lift, only then did I realise I had frantically tapped the 'door close' button instead. FML
Today, I was in the shower 'grooming' myself for my second anniversary with my boyfriend. Halfway through the hot water ran out. I now have the choice of going with the low 'half-fro' or risking hypothermia. My boyfriend thinks hypothermia would be the better option. FML
Today, I looked on my sister's phone. There was a text from her boyfriend: "Let's go camping again, I bought more condoms so we won't make a big mess this time." Last time they went camping, they borrowed my sleeping bag. FML
Today, I saw an old friend while out and about. Since I don't leave the house very often, my friend was surprised to see me in person. He jokingly asked if someone was dying, and I cried in response. I was in fact going to the hospital to say goodbye to my grandma. FML
Today, at work, a customer threatened to punch me in the face because the store I work at doesn't have shopping baskets, only carts. FML
Today, my cat locked herself in the bathroom and screamed until she was let out, for what seems like the millionth time this week. It took me a while to realize she's doing it on purpose for attention. She is loved and cared for; I've never neglected her. Apparently, it's still not enough. FML
Today, my now ex-boyfriend admitted that he had cancelled our Sunday date not because he was ill but because he spent the whole the day with his depressed ex-wife, I was always telling him to check on her, but out of nowhere he felt need to lie and hide their meeting. FML
Today, they introduced a mega evolved form of my favorite Pokémon, but it looks like a Ku Klux Klan member. FML
Today, during a intense orgasm I screamed, "You're my God!" at my husband. Afterwards, he told me I was blasphemous and reminded me that God smites those with false prophets. Needless to say, I think I'll just keep my mouth shut in the future. FML
Today, as I sat on the table in my gynecologist's office for my yearly checkup, I realized that was the most action I got in the past year. FML
Today, I learned that Dolph Lundgren's "daughter", Lisbeth Olofsson, is not only fictional, but a stolen identity. Who the hell have I been talking to on Facebook since 2013? FML
Today, after being played like Playstation 5 by so many girls, I decided to give a chance to the girl who used to be my best friend and who I turned down. I went on Facebook to hit her up. First thing I see on my feed is her engagement photos. FML
Today, I was on FB Messenger talking to one of my friends who is a pastor about getting together playing golf and I meant to send him an emoji in our conversation, but accidentally sent an emoji sticker of my wife and me doing doggystyle. I quickly deleted it on my side, but it was still visible on his side. FML
Today, I cut my finger with a knife while cooking. I work in a hospital and have to use hand disinfectant at least every twenty minutes. It hurts badly. I have to work for eight hours. FML
Today, I had such a violent coughing fit that my stomach emptied itself all over the floor while at my sales job. FML
Today, I found out the guy I've been in an exclusive, serious relationship with for the last twelve months has been using online dating apps for the past three months, but it's "only chatting" and he doesn't consider it cheating. FML
Today, I was hanging out with the guy I like. All of a sudden, he pulls out a small vial of his blood to give to me, proving his undying love. Curious, I asked where he had gotten the blood. His answer? A razor blade. In his nose. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant with a friend when she said, "Oh, I have to arrange a meet up between you and a friend. She's just your type: she has daddy issues." FML
Today, I sang a romantic song I wrote for my girlfriend. She laughed at my soprano. FML
Today, even though we were together every day of quarantine, now that I’m working my boyfriend has become a completely different person. He’s now jealous, insecure and makes wild accusations. He’s called and showed up to my new job so many times the managers are threatening to let me go. FML
Today, I drove 10 hours on a broken foot to get away, because my drunk dad decided to shove me to the ground multiple times, and now I have to get fusion surgery on my foot. I also found out he’s trying to get me arrested for burglary. FML
Today, I discovered my girlfriend of 5 years would rather split up than make any shred of effort to revive her utterly dead libido from the last 2 years. She promised the whole past month to make an effort, before admitting she never gave a shit when my patience with her ran out. FML
Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML
Today, I started crying at work for absolutely no reason. My pregnant coworker walked up to me and said, "Pregnancy hormones, huh?" I never even told her I was pregnant. FML
Today, my phone rang for the first time in four days. It was my mom. She dialed the wrong number. FML
Today, my phone fell in my cat's water bowl overnight. I'm currently writing this from my laptop. FML
Today, I have come to the realization that I will likely never be happy at a job. Either it’s low pay, bad work/life balance, racist/homophobic coworkers, or terrible bosses and/or customers. I’ve worked jobs in several different fields and it’s all the same. Yet people say “No one wants to work!” Fuck that. FML
Today, I found out why my husband insists on only taking our kids to the McDonald’s a 15-minute drive away instead of the one two minutes down the street. It’s where his ex works. FML
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