Today, I had a snowball fight with a friend. In the midst of the game, I stole her hat and put it on my head, ignoring her pleas. Apparently, she was trying to say she had head lice. I can now verify that. FML
Today, I hard launched the guy I’ve been dating online. The guy who’s still mad that I friendzoned him commented, “See if he gives you rides, a shoulder to cry on, brings you food, and lets you copy assignments like I did for a year.” My now-ex dumped me and called me “heartless” for “using that poor guy.” FML
Today, I work in HR and last week we'd hired an apprentice for our repair shop. He was great. I spent $500 company dollars on his uniform. Later, he called me saying he had been offered a job paying $10 more an hour than what we were offering, as much as our experienced workers make. I either have to match it, or be out a helper. FML
Today, I laid out my feelings to my friend with benefits, and asked if we could get together and talk. Now I'm being ignored, and my heart is shattered. I always fall for Mr Wrong. FML
Today, I went to a pain specialist to get help with my chronic pain. He did not diagnose anything or discuss causes. He then said, "Good luck with that" as I left. Of course, I still got billed. FML
Today, I wanted to surprise my boyfriend by showing up at his place unannounced with some take-out food. I got there just in time to see him leave his block of flats with another girl. FML
Today, I was volunteering at the hospital. This lady was calling the Nurses' Station, and I had to go see what she wanted. When I asked her what she needed, she mumbled something. As I leaned in closer to hear what she was saying, she threw up all over my face. Apparently, she was nauseous. FML
Today, I found out that my kids played around with a bunch of caterpillars they'd found in the yard, then informed me they'd eaten a few. I then had to scramble to Google "Is this kind of caterpillar poisonous?" FML
Today, while sitting at a table in a coffee shop, I overheard someone on the next table talking about their horrible boss. I joined in, complaining about mine, and going into great detail about what an arsehole he can be. Turns out, I was talking to my boss's sister. FML
Today, while I was home sick from work, my neighbor got packages delivered. Our apartments have had a lot of thefts lately so, being neighborly, I brought her stuff inside to wait. When she came home, I gave them right to her. Instead of thanking me, she told the office that I was the thief all along. FML
Today, I told my boss that my grandma died to get a day off work, but then my grandma showed up at the office looking for me because she wanted to go shopping. FML
Today, it's my last day before I get my colonoscopy. I've been on a strict chicken broth and jello diet in preparation. My dad thought it would be hilarious to drag me out to one of the best restaurants in town just so I could watch everyone else eat their delicious meals. FML
Today, I was on a plane when I had to use the bathroom. While pulling up my pants, the flush button got stuck and the water kept running. I tried to fix it, but ended up flooding the bathroom and the aisle. The attendants had to give me a towel and escort me back to my seat with everyone on the plane staring at me. FML
Today, I got a speeding ticket. I couldn't find my insurance card, and the cop was very nice. He said not to worry about it, that I "looked like someone who had insurance." I'm not sure how to take that. FML
Today, I told my boyfriend that I was sad I'd forgotten to bake him the cookies that I was planning to send to him for Christmas. His response was "Good, you suck at cooking anyway." FML
Today, I had a large pimple on my temple. I decided to try the whole "put toothpaste on the zit to make it dry up" technique that all the magazines say to do. Not only is my pimple still there, but the toothpaste irritated my skin and my already large pimple now appears three times bigger. FML
Today, my girlfriend and her friends mocked my "fragile masculinity" because I bought men's body wash instead of sharing her body wash. Her body wash is full of glitter, which irritates my skin horribly. FML
Today, I got a text from a number I didn’t recognize that said, "I miss you." Assuming it was my mom and her new phone, I replied, "Miss you too, love you!" Turns out it was my new boss, checking to see if I’d be able to work an extra shift. Even though it was her text that was badly worded, I'm now known as the person who declared her love to the boss. FML
Today, I found out I can't go to Los Angeles to visit my grandparents for spring break like I'd planned because my asshole dad got some sort of court order preventing me from leaving the state. He and my mom are in a custody battle over me. FML
Today, after a month of planning, I started to tease my boyfriend of 3 years about the wonderful anniversary plans I had made for us. It was a secret, so I let him try and guess. He said, "As long as it's not a spa day. That would suck, I'd never go." It's a spa day. That I've already paid for. FML
You can run, but you can't hide...
Today, my mother-in-law died but my husband still insists that we go on our family spring break vacation. I don't want to because I loved my MIL and our kids are absolutely distraught and don't want to go anymore, plus we would miss the funeral if we went. But he refuses to cancel or postpone. He's being selfish. FML
Today, after moving in with a couple of vegan zoologists a few weeks ago, I discover that they don't believe that we have the right to kill cockroaches, and will not allow me to do so. The house is infested, and it's spread to my bedroom. FML
Today, I was invited out to a date by my ex-boyfriend. He seemed really excited to reconnect and kept holding my hand and complimenting how I looked. Out of nowhere a girl runs up to him screaming. It was his current girlfriend, he was using me to make her jealous. FML
Today, one of the kids in my neighborhood told me he would mow my lawn for 10 bucks. After a few minutes, I heard the mower stop. He had mowed a penis into my front yard then run away. FML
Today, at my art school, during the class my teacher left the classroom. I stood up from my seat to ask my friend something. When I sat back down, one of my guy classmates was sitting there. I sat on his lap and right at that moment my teacher came back. FML
Today, I was at the gym when I noticed a girl I like working out on the elliptical. I went to go say hi, but chickened out and went to run on the treadmill in front of her instead. I was so nervous that I tripped and the machine threw me headfirst into her machine. FML
Today, my fiancé thinks that the only reason I innocently asked him how soon he wants to have kids after we get married is that he thinks I'm racing to beat a friend or family member. Now I can't even be excited about starting a family with this man without having ulterior motives. FML
Today, I was listening to music while I wrapped Christmas presents. All was going well when the music was cut off, literally. I snipped the cable to my very expensive headphones in half. FML
Today, I’m stuck not being able to sleep, because the thought of someone actually caring about me occurred. FML
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