Today, I'm trying to sleep off a cold as my roommate plays video games in his adjacent room. He doesn't rage or get excited often, and he can control it even more if he really needs to, but it's still enough to keep me painfully awake, along with my cold. Every minute feels like an eternity. FML
Today, I woke up to find out that my tinnitus has suddenly worsened. I used to be able to just ignore it, but now it's ridiculous. Almost everyone says I'm "too young" to have it, especially this bad. I say those people can go fuck themselves. FML
Today, I found out that I was not invited to my grandma's 80th surprise birthday party. I found out about it from my mom who lives out of state. I’m the only immediate family that would've been able to come. Due to coronavirus, I also missed my grandpa's 80th birthday. Guess I’m 2/2 this year. FML
Today, I was studying my anatomy book for nursing school while in the break room at my day job. My nosy-ass, ignorant coworker who always finds a way to butt into everyone’s business told the front office I was looking at porn. I got written up for, "displaying offensive materials." FML
Today, and for the last week, I've been dreaming only to wake up when my dream-self commits suicide. I'm generally a happy person, so I've no idea why my subconscious is killing me so often. This time, I stuck my face in an industrial-size blender. I can still feel my jaw rattling from the impact. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that he'd rather jerk off to sexy pictures of me than actually have sex, because he gets too tired. FML
Today, I'm sharing an apartment in a foreign country with my soon-to-be ex. There are 6 months left on the contract, so we both decided to live here until then to save money. She earns enough to afford her own place. Me on the other hand… FML
Today, I found out my boyfriend of five months gave away all the jewelry his late grandmother left him to his daughter from an old relationship. I asked in shock what he plans to give my daughter, and he replied, "Uh, you know she's not my kid, right?" FML
Today, like I do once a week, I put my bins out to be collected. I was woken up in the early hours by a drunk lad outside, claiming he was desperate for a waz. The sound of him pissing in my food waste bin will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML
Today, I moved my dad's chair to look for my phone, but forgot to put it back. When my dad came back, he tried to sit down in the area where his chair usually is, but instead fell down on the floor, yelling, "YOU MOVED MY CHAIR!" FML
Today, my mom got mad at me. She told me that the neighbor was stupid for letting their kids play all over the street alone. I said it was fine, because the mom walked right next to the daughter as she played on her scooter. She argued, “Why do you always have to disagree with me?” FML
Today, just to have a chance of a future career, I had to major in Data Science. Here's to 2.5 more years of soul-crushing tedium and passionless abstraction. If I had the resources to control my own life, I would have been a tradesman so I wouldn't have to sacrifice 4 years of my life on this. FML
Today, I called my dad asking him to wish me a happy birthday. Yay. FML
Today, I had to listen to my mom telling me my paternal grandmother had to tell he my step-grandfather has a small uncut dick, but big balls. I could've gone my whole life not knowing that. FML
Today, after a week of persistent allergy symptoms, I finally went to the doctor. The cause of everything was an ear infection. After getting an ear cleaning, all of my symptoms - including a sore throat and head, and constantly feeling as though I was going to vomit - disappeared. My ears didn't feel weird at all. FML
Today, I emailed my resume to a recruiter but attached a ten-page stream-of-consciousness grocery list instead. The recruiter replied, “Interesting priorities.” Now I’m on a three-email chain where everyone is debating whether olives belong in banana bread and asking about my sandwich preferences. FML
Today, I went to the bar because, I like to go to the bar every Saturday, but wearing a wedding ring so people wouldn't hit on me. But when I went this time, I forgot my ring and people still didn’t hit on me. So now I know it has nothing to do with the ring at all. FML
Today, it's been about 4 months since my partner and I spent all our savings to open a board game shop. We found that most people were interested in D&D, and so we stupidly decided to put most of our eggs in one basket, and send about 75% of our other stock back. Guess what everyone decided to boycott last week? FML
Today, my boss sent me this reel where a girl was talking about how girls call their crushes bro. He asked me if that was true and somehow I replied, “Yes bro.” FML
Today, my girlfriend said she’s been wanting to have sex lately. We haven’t done it in so long, I've lost track. We still haven’t done it. Part of me wants to fuck someone else. FML
Today, my brother got sick with a stomach bug. He didn’t even quit his game to throw up in the toilet and instead threw up straight on the carpet. It sat there for hours. FML
Today, my boyfriend broke up with me only two weeks after he moved into my place, because his massive German shepherd keeps running scared from my cat. Apparently, I ruined his dog by letting my cat be dominant to him, and it’s all my fault his dog is a wuss. FML
Today, my wife and I were going through a very amicable 50/50 divorce, until she found out I’m already dating. She’s only two years younger than my wife, but it upset her enough she’s now stalling the divorce until she gets 75/25 in her favour, including the holiday cottage. FML
Today, I was chatting to a girl in the chemist's and was about to ask her to go for coffee when the chemist came out of the back room and asked me loudly if the rash was only on my genitals or if it had spread further. FYI the chemist is my uncle and he was joking. I didn’t end up asking her out. FML
Today, my dad's new girlfriend, who he met in Vegas, flies in. My mother is still alive in a dementia care facility. I don't know how to feel about this. FML
Today, while 9 months pregnant, I was sleeping soundly for once, cuddling with my cat, having a nice dream… until I woke up choking on acid reflux, peed the bed, peed on the carpet and all over myself trying to get to the bathroom. This is not the first time this has happened. At least I didn't puke this time. FML
Today, a VIP visited our building. I was put in charge of his hospitality and was very nervous. At one point, he asked me if he could, “Ahem… wash my hands.” Without thinking, I took him to our kitchen so he could use the sink. Turns out he needed a pee. He looked at me like I was an idiot. FML
Today, I moved in with my boyfriend. I also moved right back out, after I caught him sexting one of his coworkers just a few hours later. FML
Today, my baby threw up all over my homework, which I worked really hard on and is due tomorrow. Moral of the story is don’t have a kid when you're in high school. FML
Today, I finally convinced my girlfriend, who is embarrassed of her smoking habit and wants to quit, to smoke in front of me to break the shame. I was loving, supportive, and cheerful, and I kissed her after. I also got a boner. Now I wish she wouldn’t quit. FML
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