Today, my girlfriend finally said that she finally felt ready to have sex with me. It ended up being so terrible that I only managed to get some pleasure out of it when my mind drifted to the thought of going to Olive Garden later and eating some of their breadsticks. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Afterwards we went to Applebee's for dinner, then after we'd ate I asked, "How was it?" he says, "It was terrible", to which I said, "The food was that bad?" He replies, "No, the sex". FML
Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all that, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML
Today, I finally felt ready to give my boyfriend a blowjob. Barely 20 seconds in, he said: "I'll be honest, this is TERRIBLE." FML
Today, I took my girlfriend's virginity. A few minutes in she remarked, "If this is what sex is normally like then I'm seriously disappointed." FML
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, after a month's-long dry spell, my wife and I finally had sex. It was awkward and terrible, neither of us finished, and she muttered, "I don't know why I missed that" after we gave up. FML
Today, my normally-prudish girlfriend grabbed my crotch and said, "I want you to fuck me like I've never been fucked." I obliged. She loved it, until after we'd finished, when she decided that she felt "cheap, gross, and used" and started a huge fight. FML
Today, my girlfriend thought it would be sexy to stick her finger up my ass during sex. I screamed like a little girl and barely managed to finish. Afterward, she said, 'Now you know how it feels.' FML
Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML
Today, I finally had sex with my boyfriend. I had never gotten so far with a guy, so I was really nervous. He was careful, we tried different positions, "it was fun" and he came. I barely felt anything. FML
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Top comments
Serisent 26
Perhaps, since she 'finally' agreed to it, she just wasn't ready? Or, perhaps your performance was also uninspiring to her.
HowieDoIt 21
So you fantasized about eating sticks? Are you sure you didn't enjoy it for another reason?
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Comments (106)
picante72 24
Excellent username OP
wvcheesehead1 9
sounds like you are a food guy... have her cook for you and then do some girl at the olive garden instead... she may even smell like parmesan.
gunnerblaster 21
I wouldn't mind taking a crack at your girlfriend. Chances are, dude, you just suck in bed.
cl4ptp 18
your user name is incredible!
caysters 12
If it was the first time for both of you, that isn't surprising. My first time with my ex was also his. It was the weirdest, most awkward thing ever.
sig4life 18
It takes 2 and it doesn't sound like you were that great either. Especially when you start thinking of food. That is unless OP is into that?
resiak 1
You totally deserve it...and by it, I mean the breadsticks.
perdix 31
Your girlfriend may have a yeast infection. Unfortunately, it was barely enough to get your dough to rise, but enough to give you breadstick fantasies.
buckdharma 38
Maybe she was daydreaming about Red Lobster because you're an "endless shrimp." This might of been the reason why she was a dead fish.
katykoolcat 13
At least you didn't bleed like my fiancé haha.
twinkie193 6
That's rough