Today, whilst celebrating my birthday with my friends and family, I met a girl at the bar who seemed interested. She became very disinterested and left after my mother whispered in her ear "If you go home with my son make sure he wears a condom." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was at a bar with my friends for my 19th birthday when I saw my dad grinding some chick that was not my mom. I confronted him and told him I was telling mom. He then pointed across the bar to my mom with another man. I just found out my parents are swingers. FML
Today, my Mom found out that I've been intimate with one of my best friends in the past. We used protection, it never went anywhere, and we ended it amicably, but she still gave me a huge lecture. Later, she high-fived and congratulated him. FML
Today, I walked into my best friend's house and her mom threw a box of condoms at me and said, "Stay safe, slut." FML
Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML
Today, I joined my friends out birthday clubbing. After I'd gotten a little drunk, a few guys asked for my number. I rattled off random numbers, until I accidentally said my mother's. Guess who woke up to a text at 2:17 in the morning, containing a picture of a penis. FML
Today, my daughter and I went to the mall. While we were looking for clothes, she walked away from me and touched a man on the arm and smiled and said "Hi!" The man freaked out and screamed at me for letting that "thing" in public and to "wear a condom next time." FML
Today, my mom found a condom in my pocket while doing my laundry. Instead of having the subsequent discussion about the birds and the bees my mother simply asked "Who would have sex with you?" FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's notoriously difficult mother. I had been looking forward to meeting her and making a good impression. Unfortunately, I could not greet her as her son's penis was still in my mouth. FML
Today, I took a girl I like to the movies. Everything went great until I went in to kiss her. She didn't object, but my mother, who apparently followed me to the theater and was now pulling me away by my shirt while saying, "We're leaving!" certainly did. FML
Today, while at a party playing Truth or Dare, I found out my best friend fantasizes about having sex with my 51 year old mother. The rest of the guys at the party then nodded in agreement and thus spawned a group conversation about how "screwable" my mom is. FML
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Top comments
kukri187 12
You got **** blocked by your mom.
perdix 31
Ouch! Mom's not a wingman, but an anti-aircraft gunner! Shot down! Mom's driving away that competition and keeping your Oedipus complex intact.
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Comments (31)
Clitastrophe 0
Twelfth! See how retarded that sounds?
paramore7890 0
#6 is my new idol haha
qw1234 0
haha ... ha
poeticvibez07 0
1 why would you try to pick up girls with your mom right there 2 why would your mom try to "help" 3 how does it feel to know that on your birthday you were **** blocked by none other than your mom
michaelcarell 0
more like a MLIA
Ninjaface 0
Sometimes the greatest gift is the gift of having your mom scare off some **** at a bar who would have gotten on you without protection and then milked you for child support payments for the rest of your life.
Lilman11 0
kukri187 by the way it's not **** block If girls do it to men it's called a twat block
fjfjfj 0
Nice to have a mother who's got your back.
Graphix 0
Assuming this is made up. Because of the following... A: Who the **** goes to a bar with your family? why not take them down to the strip joint while your at it ya twat. B: I highly doubt if you think bringing your family to a bar is socially acceptable that you would go over to an actually "attractive woman" and put the "moves" on her. Lastly. C: If you didn't sit in your basement all night playing DnD or some shit, in substitution for your family, those people would have been called "friends". Dumbass.
pavloviandoggy 4
Hey, I can explain what happened. He says he "went to the bar" meaning it could've been a bar attached to a restaurant. He was probably having a nice dinner with his family for his birthday, went to pick up a drink from the bar instead of waiting for the waitress, and talked to a cute girl in the bar area. His mom probably came over to see what was taking so long. Also, keep in mind that the OP is from Cambodia, where the drinking age is much lower. He could be in his late teens, when it's more common to have a birthday dinner with his family before going out with friends on the weekend.
supaflyJPR 0
penis