Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said, "Have fun!" FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after having horrific constipation the day before, I finally got the rock hard turd out of my system. Things got awkward as I cried out in pain and my mom asked me what was wrong. Realizing the dining room and kitchen was nearby, I said "Never mind, it's gross!" I think she figured it out anyways. FML
Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML
Today, I had to take a laxative for the first time. Instead of working gently overnight like it promised, I woke up at 3 a.m. to an unrelenting river of shit that made my legs numb on the toilet. FML
Today, I was constipated and so desperate to go that I ate an entire box of laxatives. Now I'm in the hospital on a saline drip for dehydration and malnutrition, in addition to getting a massive enema and having the most agonizing shit of my life. FML
Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML
Today, I finally got over having constipation for two days straight. It came in the form of a normal-sized, rock-hard turd that made me scream "Ow!" when it came out. FML
Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML
Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML
Today, the medication I’ve been taking has caused me to become constipated for so long I'm now unable to go, because all my poop is a solid mass in my bowels no stool softener can touch. So a surgeon is either going up my ass with a hose and a spoon, or cutting open my stomach to remove it. FML
Today, I found out that since no other procedures are working, I was required to stop eating, and drink a bunch of foul tasting "goo", which will in turn give me constant diarrhea. This will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum. FML
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Top comments
Witchcraft_fml 5
Makes me wonder what morphine-addicts have up their bum. Though I'm trying not to think of it.
FerrariCake 2
If my doctor suggested I could have fun with gloves and laxatives, I would find a different doctor.
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Comments (101)
Gough 0
Nearly the same thing has happened to me three times in the last few years (2 work-related accidents and a kidney stone). The last time, I finally asked them when they gave me the dilautin if I could get a stool softener or laxative to go with that. They thought that might be a good idea and I'm appalled that it never seemed to have occurred to them before. It just confirms the ER rule of thumb that one doc told me: dilautin 3x, then kick 'em to the curb.
alfbert 0
this happened to me too!
FsoberLife 0
All opiate based medications cause constipation, usually in 2 ways. One, The opiate causes water to be leeched out of your intestines, essentially dehydrating your poo. A simple solution is to buy and use an enema bag. Using warm water is a little more helpful. The goal is to rehydrate your poo enough to become pliable enough for your colon to move. Two, while you are under the influence of the drug the smooth muscle of your intestines becomes toned. If you take enough opiates the muscle itself will go into spasms which will cause you to become constipated. Anyway, most of it can be avoided by drinking a lot of water, to replace the water leeched by the colon.
solk_fml 0
now this is just fml just don't take to many laxes or the other things might come out lol
onemusicnote 0
Poor guy. Go to the doctor. Or just go talk to your pharmacist, I'm sure he or she can give you some advice. I work as a pharmacy technician, and every patient we fill for who takes pain meds (especially narcotics) usually have a stand prescription for colace (Dulcolax) as well. But I'm sure any pharmacist will tell you if it doesn't clear up on its own you should see the doctor again. I hope you feel better! ...and whatever happened to put you on the morphine in the first place, I hope that's better too! Oh, and Gough, I'm sure you did take "Dilaudid", but "Dilautin" doesn't exist. Lol.
FarSide 23
But after your asshole shatters and splits like a marble hitting a windshield.... it's gonna feel so good!
Renrox42 0
Oh wow, that must of REALLY hurt!!! Ouch! Although, it is very funny. :D
Allymeme 3
better not push too hard... you don't want haemorrhoids
anthropophagite 0
That would be one of the 'glamorous' sides to morphine that they neglect to tell everyone about on House MD.
cmac86 24
I favorited this one just fornthe hilarious way it was written. I was constipated for years (I'm talking about once a week, truck sized, dry as a desert turds) and they hurt. heck I had a mini seizure on the crapper one time! but if you want to get it going like Victoria falls: an mre, coffee, and cigarette. and water. lots of water. try those and just try to stop ********!