Today, while on the crapper, I learned that morphine has a nasty side-effect. It appears that it can cause a massive rock-hard piece of dung the size of a bus to form in your intestines. I went to the doctor, he handed me a glove and some laxatives and said, "Have fun!" FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, after having horrific constipation the day before, I finally got the rock hard turd out of my system. Things got awkward as I cried out in pain and my mom asked me what was wrong. Realizing the dining room and kitchen was nearby, I said "Never mind, it's gross!" I think she figured it out anyways. FML
Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML
Today, I had to take a laxative for the first time. Instead of working gently overnight like it promised, I woke up at 3 a.m. to an unrelenting river of shit that made my legs numb on the toilet. FML
Today, I was constipated and so desperate to go that I ate an entire box of laxatives. Now I'm in the hospital on a saline drip for dehydration and malnutrition, in addition to getting a massive enema and having the most agonizing shit of my life. FML
Today, I was extremely constipated. This is a side effect of the medication I take to alleviate my stomach condition. Due to this same condition I can't eat much roughage. We have no laxatives or stool softeners, and I have been shitting bricks for three days. FML
Today, I finally got over having constipation for two days straight. It came in the form of a normal-sized, rock-hard turd that made me scream "Ow!" when it came out. FML
Today, thinking he was being so hilarious, my friend slipped me enough laxatives to make a horse shit its intestines out. I haven't been able to move from the toilet for over an hour. FML
Today, I'm recovering from colon surgery. They gave me codeine as pain relief, which has made me constipated. I'm currently sat on the toilet, trying to push out what feels like a small child wrapped in barbed wire out without busting my stitches. FML
Today, the medication I’ve been taking has caused me to become constipated for so long I'm now unable to go, because all my poop is a solid mass in my bowels no stool softener can touch. So a surgeon is either going up my ass with a hose and a spoon, or cutting open my stomach to remove it. FML
Today, I found out that since no other procedures are working, I was required to stop eating, and drink a bunch of foul tasting "goo", which will in turn give me constant diarrhea. This will then prepare me nicely for the long tube with a camera on the end of which will be shoved up my rectum. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Witchcraft_fml 5
Makes me wonder what morphine-addicts have up their bum. Though I'm trying not to think of it.
FerrariCake 2
If my doctor suggested I could have fun with gloves and laxatives, I would find a different doctor.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (101)
epeets 1
whoa shit!! lol, should've punched him in the face.
HahaYDI 0
Hey, at least he gave him fair warning. And does this FML make anyone think of that South Park episode?
Arcterion 0
I think we all can agree that OP's situation is quite shitty.
wildxchild 0
i concur
pleasetryagain 0
Why would you punch him? What is he supposed to do? All you can do with poop is poop it out.
FarSide 23
LOL! Another reason to want free health care in America.
F1NZEL 0
i agree
Hartzfeld 0
which one?
604 11
shiiiit that had to hurt!
Rx_man1 0
Ha ha but it makes u feel good. Not the crap part
Amkii 0
LOL! Ouch.
Bloodknight 22
Nasty!
Witchcraft_fml 5
Makes me wonder what morphine-addicts have up their bum. Though I'm trying not to think of it.
perdix 31
It's going to be hard not to think of it when you know the names for it. Try "bezoar" or "fecolith" for starters. I've heard they found bezoars in Elvis and John Wayne after they died. Sorry about reinforcing a disturbing image, but at least your cursing will become a little more interesting. You could tell someone you don't like, "I hope you get a bezoar the size of a watermelon and it should come out sideways."
Witchcraft_fml 5
Oh, so true. Between that and kidney stones, my wishings on people I dislike are going to turn painful in the most interesting ways!
ilikedishes 0
I definitely thought you were about to make a Harry Potter reference when you said 'bezoar'. Alas, there was none.
ropeandneck 7
now perdix showed us he can insult and educate someone at the same time. mind=blown.
Zoockey 5
Shit's the right word there dude.
Nakedsquirrel 5
Total bullshit. If you go to a doctor with something actually lodged inside your intestines, he's going to schedule you for immediate surgery, because that's extremely serious. None of this retarded "LAWL GUESS YOU BETTER START DIGGIN'!" farce. Whoever approved this one should feel bad.
miyon_fml 0
Sorry but you dont know what you're talking about. I had surgery and was given a morphine drip for 4 days. They sent me home and 5 hours later I was doubled over in pain. Went to the ER and they checked. I had a hugh amount of crap in my colon that wasnt coming out on its own. They gave me some laxatives and waited. Was the most power dump I ever took. And to top it off, my husband was out of town so my wonderfully unpleasant mother-in-law was there with me at the ER. The Dr said if the laxative didnt work then yeah they might have to do surgery but they dont just go right in, they give the laxative some time. And also, I was on pain killers for a number of years before this surgery. It causes constipation, your crap is dry, hard as a rock and sometimes very difficult to get out. Most people on long term pain meds take some kind of laxative or something natural to help. Unless its completely stuck a Dr isnt going to do surgery. OP FYL, least you can crap it out at home alone, hopefully heh.
greatnt249 0
#8, the OP's constipated...don't exactly need surgery for that.
Nakedsquirrel 5
You're also not going to just be given a glove with some laxatives and told to "have fun!" That's not proper medical practice, unless you're the father of someone complaining that they can't defecate. This is still total bullshit.
ChunAsperEndao 0
No, you're still a total idiot. Having a sense of humor is not against proper medical practice.
Nakedsquirrel 5
Then this wouldn't be an FML, fucktard.
null_fml 11
As hard as a mythical bird? What?
Intoxicunt 6
Just so your comment doesn't look stupid: This originally said "roc-hard". A roc is a mythical bird. The FML staff fixed it.
null_fml 11
Thanks dude! I don't know why it didn't occur to me that they'd fix it... they always do...
EMR_fml 0
FML or YDI? I'm having trouble deciding. Either A) You have an injury so severe and are in so much pain that you require are a prescription of morphine. In that case FYL, indeed. Or B) You're a morphine addict who has taken enough to stop your intestines. Then YDI. Since the doctor was contemptuous toward you I tend to suspect option B.
Okie7123 0
FML....the doctor AND the pharmacist should have consulted him that constipation was a very common side effect of opioids. Very often, they'll also prescribe a small dose of stool softener like Dulcolax to prevent this from happening.
EMR_fml 0
That's another reason I think this was posted by an addict. If this morphine was prescribed by a doctor and administered by a pharmacist they would have given the OP a stool softener or laxative. The only way the OP could have gotten a dose of morphine without also getting stool softener is if they got it off the street. So YDI
Ohnothingreally 0
I think it was prescribed because he confronted the doctor.
FsoberLife 0
Really? You think that huh? You're stupid.