Today, while cleaning the house, I discovered that my husband has been making a little mountain of whatever he finds up his nose on the underside of our couch when he watches TV. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I found my husband farting on my pillows, bare ass. His only words were, "This isn't what it looks like." FML
Today, my husband decided to pick his nose out before he would kiss me. FML
Today, I witnessed my husband hocking a loogie into his hand, then throwing it into the trash can and continuing to make our sandwiches. FML
Today, I saw my 22-year-old boyfriend blow his nose into his hand, then wipe his snot on our couch. There was a box of tissues directly in front of him. FML
Today, I cleaned my bathroom from top to bottom. Tonight, my husband threw up all over the bathroom. He actually cleaned it up himself, including the toilet. I went to use the toilet, put down the seat and sat down. Guess which part of the toilet he DIDN'T clean. FML
Today, while my husband and I were cleaning out a closet, he went outside to throw out some trash. He was taking a long time to return and I went to make sure he was OK. He was in the living room watching TV instead of helping me. FML
Today, I noticed that the floor outside our bathroom was covered in toenail clippings. I asked my husband what had happened. Turns out, he saves time by clipping his nails onto the floor and then sweeping them out into the hall, where they get lodged in the carpet. FML
Today, while sitting on the couch with my husband, I farted quietly. Not a big deal, except it's hot out and our fan was blowing in his face, and it stunk. FML
Today, we are having work done and our chimney breast has a hole where a brick is missing. Well, my husband thought it would be funny to rig up some realistic spider leg things that would poke out of the hole next to my face. I had to wash the sofa cushion because I pissed myself from fright. FML
Today, I witnessed my dad rummage through his nostrils, thoughtfully examine the contents, and flick them nonchalantly onto the carpet. All of this he did with the biggest demented grin on his face. Sadly, this has become a regular occurrence. FML
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Top comments
kyliebear 15
i could never see myself staying with someone like him..
almariee 2
that is so disgusting.... eww I would've made him clean the shit up
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Comments (101)
Mirjam_fml 11
Wow. Aren't you glad you married the guy........
juturnaamo 29
OP, he's not making a mountain, he's making a stalactite. Not nearly as bad...
k1ngd1ck 0
Mix it with his dinner tonight!!
birds_fml 7
OP: my husband used to smear his boogers on whatever the hell happened to be nearby. The mattress, the underside of the desk... everywhere. USED TO. Know how I fixed that problem? I told him that if I ever found one of his boogers ANYWHERE that wasn't a tissue again, I would tell his parents, my parents, his friends, and everyone else he knows that he wipes his boogers all over the house. He hasn't done it once since.
lmaoatall 6
That you know of!
loserman67 36
So you found his booger pile. I'd stop looking or you might find the pile of crust he picks from his ass crack. You got a real winner there!
mrlopez 13
Damn that little booger...
noahtruesdale 0
Wouldn't that be like more of a stalagmite of crap?
EPICROCKERNINJA 8
I think I just threw up a little.....
GEFStryker 29
Q. Why did the booger cross the road? A. Because he was being picked on! Sorry, couldn't resist. But seriously, tell him if wants to do the horizontal mamba with you anymore he'd better make the tissues dance by putting a little boogie in them.
off_constantly 8
That's cute.
GEFStryker 29
I really hope you're referring to my lame puns... really, really hope lol