Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

Getting on

Today, I’m at the stage of my life where a normal bowel movement is practically a cause for celebration. FML

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

You need more fiber

Today, I finally got over having constipation for two days straight. It came in the form of a normal-sized, rock-hard turd that made me scream "Ow!" when it came out. FML

Today, I was finally able to get up and take a shit after being bedridden due to my knee surgery. I had diarrhea and because I can't properly bend my knee, I can't wipe my butt. FML

Today, after suffering from constipation for three days, I finally took a dump. Just as things reached the point of no return, my land line and doorbell all rang. FML

More fiber

Today, after several years of effort in fixing my diet, I finally have consistent, reliable, solid shits, this coming after many decades of loose stools that caused my to clog my toilets regularly with too much toilet paper. Only now, my consistent, reliable, solid shits clog my toilets instead. FML

Ouch

Today, I pulled a hamstring by taking a dump. FML

Seek medical help

Today, I look five months pregnant, but alas I'm just full of shit. I wish I could poop. FML

Today, I shat out a staple. FML