Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML
Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML
Today, my mother told me that for a period when I was a baby, every night she stood over my crib with a bottle of bourbon and a gun, convincing herself not to shoot me for ruining her life by being born when she was only 18. I wish I could be more like my siblings, who don't visit her anymore. FML
Today, my brother-in-law's baby died due to SIDS. I called my mom, hoping to hear words of comfort for losing my nephew at such a young age, but instead she told me to not let something like this scare me into not having kids. FML
Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML
Today, our mom hit my brother's head hard against the wall. He was taken to the hospital with a head wound. He came home in the evening, and said that his mom told him to say that it was his sister who'd hit him with a ball. My brother had told me the story and I'd recorded it on a tape recorder. FML
Today, my mother-in-law was so rabid to meet her first grandson, she didn’t just nudge me aside to get to the delivery room, she two-hand shoved me in the chest so I flew backwards and down a flight of stairs. I’m now in a neck brace for a hairline crack to my vertebrae and can’t pick up my own son. FML
Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML
Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML
Today, my uncle got drunk and started ranting about how great I was and how amazing it is that I almost wasn’t born because somehow I managed to survive the failed abortion my mom really wanted. News to me. Mom never wanted me and tried to abort me. FML
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Top comments
ironichalibut 24
I imagine your brother lost his umbilical cord by now, so maybe you're in the clear.. Maybe..
xTuttie 14
Ouch.. What an awful thing to say. Feeling sorry for you!
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Comments (107)
xTuttie 14
Ouch.. What an awful thing to say. Feeling sorry for you!
yahoowizard 16
Sounds hilarious to me. If I was OP I'd just be glad to be alive.
jo0owe 9
Hahaha that what i was thinking XD that was actually pretty clever and a Nice joke
1947Chevy 17
Perhaps that's what Ops brother wants 33
DaRito 25
>typical sympathetic "ouch" comment designed to get top
guineagirl 18
He sounds sweet
rackmill 11
I like your profile picture! David Tennant!!!
lengi123 18
No. It's the doctor. GET IT RIGHT!!!
DropTheDaggerxx 31
Actually, it's Barty Crouch Jr.
cre8tvlylicnsd 14
Actually, all three of you are right. No matter who it is, all three personas are amazing.
shakiam014 12
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Be careful, she has it out for you!
rocker_chick105 31
If you mean OP's twin, it states "brother" and "he." If you mean OP's mom, then your comment doesn't make sense.
ironichalibut 24
I imagine your brother lost his umbilical cord by now, so maybe you're in the clear.. Maybe..
extrasnipes 22
I think the baby is Stewie. So he has something better.
kozzard 17
That's what rope is for
DaMann360 19
#38, stewie was born with a map of Europe. It had a bunch of x's on it saying "bomb here"
peceout 29
I would be scared.
traviscool 12
at least its nearly ureaster pun pun pun
Pleonasm 36
What?
Schizomaniac 24
Where's Doc's idiot translator when you need it?
tj4234 36
That's a good point actually... Where is docbastard? Not seen him in ages....
syki 22
Easter… resurrection? I may not be a doctor, but I'm training to be one. Not much of a bastard, either, but you'll have to take what you can get. :P
Pleonasm 36
That's probably the closest to deciphering it we'll ever get... thank you!
rocker_chick105 31
ureaster... urethra? I truly do not know on this one.
enddmd 27
#46 - I'm pretty sure you've translated it.
gracehi 33
Come to think of it, I haven't seen Perdix, ManintheMachine, Baustagit, or that Muslim chick who everyone mistakes for a nun in a while either...her name escapes me right now. I thought things had gotten shittier around here.
False_Stupidity 42
So now, how does the translation fit in with the FML?
dp920 14
ahh the "evil twin" .
peceout 29
He's Loki.
Flowtastic 16
Only not because Loki wasn't a twin....
peceout 29
Well he's like Luke then. (Janoskians) I'm just kidding, Luke is awesome.
hulopro 16
I was waiting for this comment
ruckfules85 34
When tf is there supposed to be a next time.
Katiekhalifa_fml 28
Next time he tries to kill her, perhaps?
davincidasecond 24
Or unless they're fraternal twins?
SJParker 13
next time they're in the womb together, duh.
RenoTheRhino 30
Watch your back, OP. He's probably plotting your demise right now.
lux0rd 18
Was there supposed to be more to this insightful comment or are you just leaving the rest up to our imagination? *written when the whole comment was "C"
DaMann360 19
Dufuq #10?
WellHelloThere47 19
Invest in a cord cutter.