Today, my mother decided to tell me about how my twin brother almost killed me in the womb when his cord wrapped around my neck. When she left the room, he said, "You won't be so lucky next time." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my brother accidentally hit me in the throat. After I stopped coughing, choking, and feeling like I was going to die, he came back into my room, quietly said "I know your weakness," and left. FML
Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML
Today, my mother told me that for a period when I was a baby, every night she stood over my crib with a bottle of bourbon and a gun, convincing herself not to shoot me for ruining her life by being born when she was only 18. I wish I could be more like my siblings, who don't visit her anymore. FML
Today, my brother-in-law's baby died due to SIDS. I called my mom, hoping to hear words of comfort for losing my nephew at such a young age, but instead she told me to not let something like this scare me into not having kids. FML
Today, my brain-dead brother-in-law decided to play five finger fillet while at my place. Predictably, he ended up slicing a finger wide open. My mother-in-law now wants my blood, because she thinks I dared him to do it, and that clearly her perfect little angel couldn't be such a moron. FML
Today, our mom hit my brother's head hard against the wall. He was taken to the hospital with a head wound. He came home in the evening, and said that his mom told him to say that it was his sister who'd hit him with a ball. My brother had told me the story and I'd recorded it on a tape recorder. FML
Today, my mother-in-law was so rabid to meet her first grandson, she didn’t just nudge me aside to get to the delivery room, she two-hand shoved me in the chest so I flew backwards and down a flight of stairs. I’m now in a neck brace for a hairline crack to my vertebrae and can’t pick up my own son. FML
Today, I sat my mom down to tell her I was pregnant, but before I could say anything, she started to lecture me on safe sex. I don't see this ending well. FML
Today, I was told I will be having twins; this came as a shock since there are no twins in my family. When I asked my mom about it, she said that she wasn't surprised and not to worry about it because she had "absorbed her twin" and that the problem would "take care of itself." FML
Today, my uncle got drunk and started ranting about how great I was and how amazing it is that I almost wasn’t born because somehow I managed to survive the failed abortion my mom really wanted. News to me. Mom never wanted me and tried to abort me. FML
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Top comments
ironichalibut 24
I imagine your brother lost his umbilical cord by now, so maybe you're in the clear.. Maybe..
xTuttie 14
Ouch.. What an awful thing to say. Feeling sorry for you!
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Comments (107)
TallMist 32
Isn't that the exact same thing that Cody said Zack did to him in the series finale of On Deck? O.O
Door_Productions 19
Sounds like a joke to me. If my mom said something like that to me(sounds like something she would say) Id just laugh
lexajordan33 7
so funny.
stupidityisme 11
My goodness and I thought my siblings were insane..
MarkGaus 12
Full time twin and savage
Szaszaspasz 26
I took most of the food from my twin brother and ended up weighing almost a pound more than him. He is ten minutes older than me because I was ready to be born and kicked him out. My mom didn't know She was getting twins until They said "here comes another one!" No ultra sound back then
iamjoe34 11
I'm sorry, but that's hilarious.
Szaszaspasz 26
I think I beat the shit out of my twin brother in utero. UFC 1971 "Tale of the Tape" He was 4 lbs, 12 oz. I was 5 lbs 10 oz. I suspect I did give him the old "ground and pound". We love each other. He is 10 minutes older because I kicked his skinny ass out because I was done gestating. He wasn't. I'm steering more tonnage than a U-boat captain and he is skinnier than a prison bitch. I'd be disgusted if I weren't so jealous.