Today, my husband sent me a text before heading home from work. All it said was, "Need a fuck. Backed up to hell. You're about to shower face first in a fire hydrant." Love you too, hun. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my husband and I were talking about how we missed our sexting from when we were dating, so later I took a bath and texted him while he was relaxing in bed. His response ? "I'm tired and hurry up I need to poop." FML
Today, my fiancé texted me, saying he'd been masturbating to pictures of me. I told him that I couldn't wait to get home and take care of him. He replied, "Nah, don't bother, I got this." Now I'm horny and sad. FML
Today, after telling my husband he can send me dirty texts any time, he sent me one from work. It said, "Babe when I get home, I'm gonna go 9/11 on your pussy ;)". I'm still not sure he understands why that was so offensive. FML
Today, my wife spent all day texting me dirty things so I used some of my holiday hours to come home 3 hours early for some sexy time. During my drive home she got in a bad mood, and no longer wanted sex. FML
Today, I felt kind of horny for once, so I texted my boyfriend to let him know he'd be getting some action later. He replied, "I'm gonna fucken murder ur pussy when I get back!! :D" And just like that my sex drive once again crashed through the floor. FML
Today, at the end of another long workday, my husband announced that he was going to take a shower. Attempting to rekindle some much needed romance in our lives, I seductively asked him, "Want me to join you?" He replied, "Sure. But first I have to poop." FML
Today, my wife was about to take a shower, when she called me into the bathroom. She stripped me off and pulled me in with her. As I started to get into it, she sighed, "Thank god. You really needed a shower." FML
Today, I was texting my boyfriend and things were getting a little steamy. He said, "I really want you right now." So, of course, I told him to come over. To which he replied, "Nah." FML
Today, my husband returned from being away for two weeks. I eagerly got myself ready and sent him a risqué picture so he would come to bed. An hour later, he's on the couch playing Xbox with the message already seen. FML
Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
Coop817 19
I think he's horny. I may be wrong though.
robo_thunder 13
He really has a way with words
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (114)
elephantom12 9
Pepper your angus OP.
PenguinBitch 44
This is no time to give OP cooking advice. She's about to drown not starve.
imaginaryvoice 18
Well get on it, woman!
LolPieRofl 11
I read this as "Pepper ur Anus OP!"
X3liteXHunterX 12
I thought it said "prepare your anus" lol.
rogerover 19
Wow. He needs a little coaching in the dirty talk department!
EsotericBrent 29
Really? Works for me every time ; )
stronghand0331 17
Maybe he should get a little lesson from Colonel Angus.
LarryLaDouche 13
All the ladies just love Colonel Angus!
daken96 21
Hey, he's to the point. Just what men should be :)
robo_thunder 13
He really has a way with words
HelloSirs 14
Would it have been better if he said "I require coitus. Due to the lack of intercourse, the pressure in my epidydmis has increased significantly, and the contraction of my prostate and vas deferens will cause an expulsion of fluid from my ejaculatory duct to your epidermis."? I know you meant because he was abrupt, but I feel like mine is more fancy ;).
DanielleinDC 34
No, 27, but if he's horny as hell, he could have found a better way of telling her that he wanted to screw her brains out. Sheesh.
PincessBoff 6
I agree 33. He could have made it phenomenally sexy as ****.
fml121785 14
Umm... At least he used the correct form of "you're". :/
melbournearsenal 18
Shakesphere would've been proud !
Zeurakules 5
Well, did he get it?
tmx90 5
I think this is the most important question so far.
happle 21
Considering the way he said it, I'm guessing not.
Coop817 19
I think he's horny. I may be wrong though.
HelloSirs 14
That, or he has an infected prostate.
rgriff27 19
You can never be too sure.
jojimugo 20
Am thinking plumber
wolfgold2 20
i love ******* girls on fire hydrants in hell
motor_fml 20
Get a fireman helmet ASAP.
ICastillo 25
I would also recommend some safety glasses...
LolPieRofl 11
Water resistant gloves!!!
perdix 31
Is it a golden fire hydrant?
XxDevilxXGt 26
It would be a lot harder with a gold member.
supportcommand 17
Sounds like he's horney, has to take a shit but can't, and is going to piss on her.
starile 20
That's exactly what I thought; usually being "backed up" means constipated. Would've been a damn messy **** session.
lil_ham1644 29
I'm assuming that was a lame attempt at a "golden shower" reference?
doritowhore 9
Well, sex is a great way to express affection, right? Could be worse, he could be refusing sex to power up his sperm.
Zomg_Okay 27
Not when you ask for it like that!
gman90210 18
Not asking telling and I bet she loved it like that
supportcommand 17
Past FML reference. Well done.
astralvagan 20
My wife has often told me she's thrilled when I am all over her! Be glad he wants to come home and unload on you and not someone else
kikiwi_fml 9
For those who thumbed down - that's the reality of most men. For real.
happle 21
Do you usually tell her like that? O.o And you make cheating sound pretty normal...
garrett8614 2
These days cheating is normal
kingsian 15
He is not playing! Good luck OP