Today, my girlfriend was spending the day at my place. Later on, I walked in while she was making lunch. She had a jar of mayo in her hand, and I joked, "I have some mayo, but it doesn't come from a jar." She had a bluetooth headset on, and was in a call with her father. 5ML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend texted me saying he had left a surprise on my driveway. Thinking it was something special, I went outside to look. It was a little bag of mayonnaise packets. FML
Today, as her parents were supposed to be out of town, I stayed over with my girlfriend, and we ended up in bed together. Later on, while poking through the fridge, I heard footsteps, so I said, "Didn't think you'd be walking after that." I closed the fridge and saw her dad. FML
Today, my girlfriend was packing for her study abroad program. Jokingly, I got her a pack of condoms. She laughed, saying "Oh yeah, I'll definitely need some of those." Later, I showed up to take her to the airport and saw her open suitcase in the kitchen, with the condoms on top. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me and asked what I was doing. I replied, "What I'm always doing." She couldn't think of anything besides eating. FML
Today, I called my boyfriend during his lunch break. He started to place his order at a fast food joint, and trying to be funny, I started moaning sexily after each part of his order. I eventually realised I was on speaker when I heard snickering in the background. FML
Today, my girlfriend, who I've been dating for over a year, was going to Florida for a short trip with a few friends without me since I couldn't get work off. She asked me to put her iPod in her bag for her as she was almost ready to walk out the door. That's when I saw she'd packed 10 condoms with her. FML
Today, I spent an hour making my favorite work lunches, then portioning them out so I could have them all week. I later came home to a pile of empty containers. My girlfriend said, "Sorry, I got the munchies. Also, can you please do the dishes?" FML
Today, I met my girlfriend’s parents. Trying to make a good impression, so when her dad asked how we met, I jokingly said, “She just couldn’t resist me.” Her mom smiled and asked if we used pet names. Without thinking, I said, “I call her my little burrito.” Her dad choked on his drink, and my girlfriend whispered, “Why would you say that?” FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it, I whispered in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I then heard behind me, "I am." FML
Today, I brought my girlfriend home to introduce to my parents. My dad thought it would be hilarious to fill some clear bags full of flour, then pretend he was sampling a cocaine shipment when she arrived. She excused herself very quickly and isn't answering my calls. FML
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Top comments
Crazc 15
Bluetooth or no Bluetooth, thats a stupid-ass joke.
ktiskool 18
You're gonna be getting some Hellman's.
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Comments (111)
MummyRavyne 14
There's always the chance he didn't hear you op, but that was a really bad joke. You could try and bs you're way out of an awkward meeting by saying you meant you had mayo in a squeezy-bottle...
ruckfules85 34
Wow I dint know how to feel about you having mayo not from a jar.
j_cat187 20
Ripping off restraints and stealing mayo packets is kind of pathetic.
IVI4G1C 7
this is why you don't walk in on your gf while she's making sandwiches
r00nie 10
blue balled by bluetooth?
DotDootyDot 17
You deserve it for making the lamest joke ever about mayo.
glabberfasted 16
It also qualifies as the lamest joke about semen ever.
AngelSpit 18
Why not throw in the lamest joke about jars and give him the trifecta!
iluvFMLs15 19
may I Just throw this out there - you should NEVER under ANY circumstances refer or compare Mayo to your cum -.- that's so gross.
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
Ok. Hey btw my cum looks like mayo.
glabberfasted 16
You really should not brag about your semen looking like mayo. The two should never look similar.
Sports_guy3 28
^Except in color.
AngelSpit 18
if your semen is is a yellowy whitish completely opaque color go to the dr
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
Did she get the mayo later anyway?
arandomusernameaa 20
your comments are always down voted.
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
@91 Haha yeah there were a few weird socially challenged girls butthurt about when I said a female OP from a previous FML should have practiced some self hygiene, and now they're sniping all my comments. Its their way of getting back at society for being rejected by their peers in real life, quite hilarious xD
kmartFTW 12
Its comes in a squeeze tube container! Right? anyone? ?..
SuckMeBeautifu1 24
Yeah but you have to give it a few shakes to warm it up too.
fckertwat 2
lool
SunTzu2 9
From a little tube maybe?
weveallbeenthere 30
stupid joke, but at least she was making a sandwich.