Today, my girlfriend snuck up behind me to cover my eyes and play "guess who." The second her hands touched my face, I grabbed her, twisted her wrists, and kneed her to the floor out of instinct. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I spotted my girlfriend in a store. She didn't notice me, so I went behind her, put my hands over her eyes, and said "Guess who." I got an elbow to the groin and mace to the face. While I was rolling on the ground in pain, she simply said, "Serves you right" and walked away. FML
Today, while my girlfriend and I were making out, she went to fix the pillow behind her head and punched me straight in the face. FML
Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house. She was staring at me, holding a knife over my face. She ran away, giggling. FML
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house, and she was tickling me. It got a bit rough, and she fell out of bed and hit the floor. Her parents, thinking we'd been fighting, burst into the room to see her holding her bloody nose. She didn't say anything while her dad kicked my ass. FML
Today, I was watching a movie alone with my girlfriend. She shifted positions as I put my arm around her, and ended up kneeing me in the crotch and shouldering me in the throat simultaneously. FML
Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched me softly on my back. Figuring it was my friend, I turned around and did a roundhouse kick. It was my girlfriend. FML
Today, My girlfriend came from behind me and put her hand in my back pockets. I though it was someone trying to take my wallet, I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML
Today, I was woken up by my dog touching my foot, so I tried to push it away. Then I realized that I'd kicked my girlfriend in the face. FML
Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML
Today, I was in school when I spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her, I broke her nose. FML
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Top comments
infantrygirl 0
Lindsey, what the hell do you mean by that?? First, 99.9999% of military men and women would NOT overreact like that, so your comment is unfair. Second, if he is in the military, and he has PTSD, you, as an ignorant civvi, have NO right to judge him. Learn some respect for those who risk their lives for your freedom.
Big_Pick 0
My natural instincts are to scream like a girl and run away. It's a miracle my species has survived.
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Comments (108)
LloydLover69 2
dumbass
Kandyland 12
I have a similar instinct when I get randomly pushed. One of my ex-boyfriends jokingly pushed me down on the bed. I popped back up and punched him in the balls. It wasn't the first time this has happened with me. I don't know why, but when I get pushed, I go for the balls. lol
mtpadgett10 1
what a douche lol
Raddaya 3
Way to copy from How I Met Your Mother.
greyzero 0
Oh yeah, that must be it, cause, you know, nothing that's EVER been on television had actually happened in real life, no way, thats ridiculous. /end sarcasm.
bluegoldfish 7
retard.
bluegoldfish 7
yeah cause the government always does what it says its doing, what do you think wikileaks was about? and if youre hiding behind a bush shooting anyone who comes near and cant get near enough to distinguish between "good" and "bad" targets chances are a portion of the people you hit will be children anyway. but even if theyre not, killing adults isnt any better. besides, there is evidence that they didnt have nukes. but seriously, who was the idiot who brought war into this? bad idea, its ALWAYS going to piss off the half of the the population who will inevitably disagree with you...
kushmonster 0
you must have some crazy instincts! lol
gnomeman 1
i've done that, that is what the marine corp does to you
drewfus2 6
Indeed. 9/11 was orchestrated by the government in an attempt to fill its pockets. That makes perfect sense.
drewfus2 6
It's not trust issues. I do much the same thing out of a combination of insane paranoia and lightning reflexes. You never. know when they could come for you. They'll never get me though. Trust issues. Please.