Today, my daughter discovered that her Venus Fly Trap will not eat pieces of ripped-up scrap paper. Also today, I discovered that my daughter can't tell the difference between scrap paper and my monthly paycheck. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I learned that my daughter pocketed the money I'd paid so she could go to college. FML
Today, my daughter couldn't find a hair tie and thought a piece of duct tape would be a perfectly fine substitute. FML
Today, my mom found out that paper is made from trees. She read it on a garbage truck. I then had to explain to her how it's made. FML
Today, I have to admit I sometimes snoop in my daughter's room, but she must have realised this because she has started laying booby traps for me. I'm currently in the ER getting fishing hooks removed from my hand after she taped them to a mousetrap and left the mousetrap inside her desk drawer. I deserve it but, FML
Today, I have been teaching my 5 year-old step-daughter how to read and write. She came bounding up to me with a piece of paper and said, "look what I did". It was a letter that said "My dad misses my real mommy, not you". FML
Today, I caught my daughter attempting to stick pencils up our cat's butt. FML
Today, my daughter, whom I consigned a credit card for, told me she was in a bit of financial trouble. It turns out that she was trying to pay off her credit card with the same credit card her bill was for, and couldn't figure out why it wasn't working. FML
Today, I had to dig through my dog's poop again because I thought I saw a worm, but it was just the remains of the paper towels my husband leaves all over the house. My efforts to make them both stop have obviously fallen on deaf ears. FML
Today, my daughter found a hair baked into the crust of her pizza. Grossed out, she put it down the garbage disposal, but I told her to dig it out so we could get a refund. After dinner, she came looking for the saved pizza crust. I was baffled about where it was until I realized I'd eaten it. FML
Today, after it appeared my daughter was throwing away any vegetables in her school lunch, I packed her all vegetables so she would have to eat at least one. Nope! She threw them out and complained to school that "mommy doesn't feed" her. I got a call from the school. FML
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Top comments
JustKittyKat 24
I wonder if Venus fly traps eat children? Who knows? It may make you feel better!
beef25967 2
Discipline her. Give her a good spanking.
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Comments (61)
Neopopulas 9
You still get by check? Like.. an actual paper check? Is this 1990? am i in the past? I have to get to the stockmarket!
ultra_notorious 26
time to start using direct deposit
Life_sucks_13 6
That sucks OP. Does your work allow you to have a direct deposit? Won't have to worry about her ripping anything up anymore.
norisorroz 28
What the h*** was she doing with your paycheck? You totally deserved it.
weatherninja 1
This would be a great reason to enroll in direct deposit. Good luck.
krapula 4
Direct deposit.
chendaddy 1
Feed her to the Venus fly trap.
worldclassrager 41
its called a Venus Fly Trap for a reason...I recommend depositing or cashing your pay check as soon as you get it...
kitsune3 20
Just how old is your daughter, OP? If she's under 4, I would gently scold her and then leave it be. If 5 or older, she should know better and ought to be spanked.
Taurus_ChicKa 37
How old is your daughter? She's either too young to have access to your things or be around a Venus Fly Trap, or too stupid to have access to your things or be around a Venus Fly Trap. Seriously, if she's a little kid, important things should always be kept out of reach. If she's six or so, she should know to read things before just shredding them or throwing them away. Also, why the heck do you have a Venus Fly Trap with a person with a low IQ in the house?