Today, my crush took me to a park and told me he loved me. We sat on an old bench and were just about to kiss when I screamed. I now have a huge splinter in my arse and he can't stop laughing. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my crush came to my house to watch movies with me. We were sitting on the couch when he turned to me and said that he had had a dream about me the night before. I moved in to kiss him, thinking he liked me. He then added that I had fallen of a cliff and he had pissed himself laughing. FML
Today, my crush and I were volunteering at a local farm. He confessed to me that I'm one of the most beautiful girls he's ever seen. Just as he leaned in to kiss me, I lost my footing and fell into a pile of horse shit. He just stood there, pointing and laughing. FML
Today, my crush grabbed my butt while I was walking up the stairs. In surprise I farted. He won't even look me in the eyes now. FML
Today, I was kissing my crush for the first time and her tooth fell out into my mouth. FML
Today, I was walking with my crush, and I told him how I felt. As soon as I turned to him, a bird shit on my face. FML
Today, I finally told my crush I liked him. He smiled and said, “That’s sweet, but I thought you knew I was seeing someone.” I laughed awkwardly and said, “Of course, I was just joking!” Then I immediately tripped over my own bag while leaving. FML
Today, while walking my dog at the park, I spotted my crush and said "Hi!" By not paying attention where I was going, I tripped and fell down. My dog started humping me. FML
Today, my crush confessed their love for me, and I happily told them that I felt the same way. They looked uncomfortable, so I asked why. Apparently they'd been paid to prank me. FML
Today, I finally went on a date with my crush. When he kissed me goodnight, it made me think of a dying slug. FML
Today, after thinking my crush maybe liked me back, I confessed. He didn't. FML
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Top comments
girlygirl666 0
I'll bet this wasn't the first time you had wood in your ass.
stolencrackers 1
I understand the phase of "crush" is the time you want everything to go "perfectly." Hopefully, you can look back and laugh at it, too. On my 3rd date with my now husband, oh boy did I make a fool of myself I thought for sure he'd think I was crazy.. but we both laughed at it, and now we're happily married!
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Comments (75)
myfriend_youfail 3
God, I love the British. The word "arse" is just so much filthier than the word "ass". Arse, twat, bint.......yup, British English is the dialect to use for profanity!
lazlow_fml 2
lol... bint isn't really profanity over here! But yeah, the others make life worth living.
lazlow_fml 2
lol... bint isn't really profanity over here! But yeah, the others make life worth living.
Youwantwhatnow 0
I agree, I love hearing British talk. It always makes me smile even when they're pissed off, or trying to be sexy. spunk lol.
Youwantwhatnow 0
"Today I was **** blocked by a splint. Worst part is, I laughed about it until I realized she didn't like it up the arse. " :D
schwinn11 0
In my experience, most girls do scream when I say I love you and then stick my wood in their ass.
tbwrb 0
I doubt this is from an English person, we don't use the word the crush. Was this an edited FML?
BubbleGumPOP 0
I don't know about you but the part of England I was from we used to use the word crush, maybe its not the same in some parts of the country though?
Sheilatakeabow 0
Up where I am in Yorkshire I've never heard anyone refer to someone as "my crush" either. They usually say they fancy someone or "the lad/lass I fancy."
nikerush2 0
Wow, when I first read this I thought it said "my cousin" instead of "my crush". I think that's a sign I've been studying too hard and need rest...
Freeze_fml 17
So, do you sit on benches half naked?
Dramaqueen95 0
I think she must of been wearing a skirt? or dress?
laffinatu 0
lol You can get splinters through certain materials that pants are made of. Thinner materials, and even thinner denims can have splinters go through them. I've gotten a splinter through normal jeans, it depends on how big the splinter is.
Ninjaface 0
You should have asked him to take it out for you. Then maybe he could have put something else in to replace it.
EveryDayJackAss 0
LOL wood! no wonder he wouldn't stop laughing. Hope that you guys are still lovin each other though.
comedy_tragedy 0
wow. not buying that your crush wanted to take you for a stroll and told you he loves you.
MeatPete 0
Agree, this not an FML if he said he loves you. If you're in love...you're lucky, be grateful for the splinter.