Hazardous

Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML

How on Earth…?

Today, I cut my finger trying to open a door. Yes, I am just as confused as you are. FML

Butterfingers

Today, I cut myself with a butter knife while trying to get a piece of brownie from a pan. I don't think I was meant to survive on Earth for very long. FML

Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML

Accidents will happen

Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML

Self report

Today, my clumsiness reached a whole level when I hit myself in the face with a hammer hard enough for blood to come out. FML

Slice of life

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

Put it away

Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML

Ouch!

Today, my son tripped into a door and slammed it shut. I'd been holding onto the door frame, leaning around to talk to a neighbour, so of course it slammed my fingers. It must be a really sharp door, because I just woke from the surgery to reattach my three amputated fingers. FML

Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML