Today, my brain decided to go into suicide mode. So far I've managed to open a fridge door into my face, walk balls-first into the corner of a table, and sliced my finger while trying to cut open some thick plastic packaging with scissors. I'll probably be dead by the time this is posted. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my kitchen is trying to kill me. So far, I've hit my head three times on cupboards that opened themselves, cut open my hand on the microwave door when it slammed shut, and burned my cheek with the "heat-proof" oven mitt when I pushed the hair off my face. FML
Today, I cut my finger trying to open a door. Yes, I am just as confused as you are. FML
Today, I cut myself with a butter knife while trying to get a piece of brownie from a pan. I don't think I was meant to survive on Earth for very long. FML
Today, I accidentally slammed a door on my own arm flab. FML
Today, at work, I managed to hit myself in the face with a large sheet pan. The force made me back into a shelf, which knocked a box off the top, which hit me in the head and knocked me out-cold. I now have a fat lip, a sore head, and bruises all over from the fall. FML
Today, my clumsiness reached a whole level when I hit myself in the face with a hammer hard enough for blood to come out. FML
Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML
Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML
Today, my son tripped into a door and slammed it shut. I'd been holding onto the door frame, leaning around to talk to a neighbour, so of course it slammed my fingers. It must be a really sharp door, because I just woke from the surgery to reattach my three amputated fingers. FML
Today, I opened the cabinet to take a pill for my headache. After taking the pill, I turned around and smashed my head on the open cabinet door. FML
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Top comments
Welshite 40
Roll yourself in bubble wrap and wait for the Universe to find another hapless victim. It's the only thing left to do.
umerin 32
Just one of those days, eh?
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Comments (117)
umerin 32
Just one of those days, eh?
spignona84 11
I stubbed my toe today.... You don't even know
Demig0d6 14
When's ur funeral?
JJ_86 22
And finally the OP gets an electric shock from clicking the submit button on the PC. RIP dude! On a serious note hope you made it through the day.
ChevyRedneck85 13
Let us know which funeral home to send flowers to
Uglyfeet 23
We need a follow up on this one... maybe from your heir(ess)
badluckalex 23
at least op didnt step on a lego. that will truly be the death of him
incoherentrmblr 22
This definitely needs a follow up...
thatssomia 12
so, you still alive?
AnonymousFunFMLs 18
I stepped on a lego one time. I win.
JKPwnage 27
Have you still got your foot, #79, or did it have to be amputated?
_Ducks_ 7
I'm having one of those years
Eloy_FTW 6
stfu idgaf
Welshite 40
Roll yourself in bubble wrap and wait for the Universe to find another hapless victim. It's the only thing left to do.
ksks1234 33
You just made The Bubble Bunch song get stuck in my head.
tidbits5197 28
But with how their day is going, the Universe may, instead, cause them to suffocate inside the bubble wrap.
Welshite 40
Nope. Bubble wrap is impervious to every unfortunate event, and it brings glorious happiness with every bubble popped. I've heard that it's one of the Universe's most hated adversaries.
Rozza17 29
#2 OP would probably suffocate if he wraps himself in bubble wrap Whoops sorry didn't see #19 comment. Silly me
SrgntSprnkls77 15
"Doesnt see" previous comment Says so in same comment
ironichalibut 24
It's called editing. Smart people use it to correct their mistakes.
fuckyourlifeOP 25
"Today, I was doing my daily duties as a table, and some guy rubbed his balls in my face! FML."
kevinwm0 15
In a related story, a man was found suffocated to death inside a ball of bubble wrap. Details at 11.
madellen 16
Just find a nice circular room to spend the day in!
lwood0812 16
I had the same thought! :p
KK3137 31
He'll just trip over his own feet..
LegalLoitering 12
Now is the time to buy a cup and a helmet, for the same reasons.
cakefete2 31
Legal you are doing a wonderful job as head shot safety inspector. Your advice will continue to save lives and testicles alike.
pseud0nym 13
Both are to protect the head.
Agtthepw 21
I would say this is the kind of day when you should just go to bed and sleep... But I'm afraid you might end up dying, suffocating from a vicious pillow.
VileCrack 5
Go to sleep OP. Not many bad things happen when you are sleeping.
Miss_Whipped 43
My childhood says otherwise. *twisted smile*
Hiimhaileypotter 53
Oh my...
ironichalibut 24
Nonsense, plenty of bad things happen when you're sleeping. You just don't remember them because they'll be parts of dreams that your brain doesn't store as memory, like most parts of dreams.
ironichalibut 24
Your brain doesn't differentiate between reality and a dream while you're asleep. Essentially whatever happens to you in your dreams, may as well really be happening as far as your brain is concerned.
meladuh 16
You just need to hide in your blanket and you are safe. The monsters under your bed cant touch you.
Tankkiller308 16
What if they have a vivid dream where they have a heart attack and their heart stops in real life
DocDrose 20
time to deploy the bubble wrap armour!
titandesu 14
and to stay in a fort within the living room
cakefete2 31
Don't forget the mystical blankie.
slimkelsey 17
You've only lived one day in my world. Ain't it a bitch?
LegalLoitering 12
That's not the only thing
MRP360 14
rest in peace Fmybrain
DemosthenesMB 13
Well, if there's not a follow-up then we can take OP's word for it.