Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I felt like spicing up our marriage, so I thought I'd surprise my husband when he got home from work. I put on my sexiest teddy, lit some candles, and laid on the bed. He walked in the room, looked at me for a second, farted, then asked me what was for dinner. FML
Today, as soon as I got home, my husband said he was hungry and that I needed to cook. I flipped my shit and yelled at him for a good half hour. Later, he pulled out his phone and showed me videos of me doing the exact thing to him, asking him to do things the second he walked in the door. FML
Today, I put on some sexy lingerie, ready to have some fun with my husband. I found him in the living room, opening a bag of Doritos in front of the TV. He saw me and understood. Then he looked back at the Doritos, then back at me and said gravely, "No way, babe. No way." FML
Today, since we hadn't been romantic for a long time, I shaved, took a bath, cut my hair and snuggled up to my husband in bed. He got up, went to the computer, masturbated to porn, came back to bed and asked me what was for breakfast. FML
Today, me and my boyfriend were fooling around on my bed when things started to get heated. I said to him, "Do what ever you want". He got up and said he'd be right back. I thought he went to get a condom. He came back with a sandwich. FML
Today, I sat down on my bed completely naked in front of my husband and said, "Man, it's hot in here!" while spreading my legs. He just blew on my vagina, asked if that was better, and then walked away. FML
Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML
Today, I was sitting on the couch, computer next to me, lotion on the floor, and my dick in my hand when my roommate walked in on me. Scared and looking me right in the face he says, "What's for dinner?" FML
Today, a "friend" mentioned that my husband was "yummy", then asked if she could "have a turn" with him. I left and went home, outraged. When I told my husband, he couldn't conceal his stupid horny grin, and immediately tried to initiate sex. Pig. FML
Today, my husband hasn’t touched me in ages. I bought sexy lingerie and walked around the house in them. My husband wouldn’t budge. When I asked him why he didn't want to get physical, he told me, “You want me to be honest? Do some sit ups and butt squats, then I’ll be all over you like cheese on macaroni.” FML
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Top comments
onepctech 0
Give me a call, I'll make you feel like a woman.
lagoosie 0
What the hell is up with people trying to play hard to get or trying to seduce people? ******* get off your ass, and tell him you want to be with him. But, yeah FYL AND YDI. Stop playing with yourself, and go play with your husband.
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Comments (215)
Jimmy12345_fml 0
"**** me, I'm horny" would be better what you did.
Rivlas 0
Man's gotta eat! Should have said, go eat your burger, then come back here for your dessert with a sly smile. Now that would have been seduction.
plexico 4
He might have thought you were just itching your yeast infection.
plexico 4
You missed the hidden meaning of his question: "Ground beef" means "his dick" (even if it has been diminished by years of sex with you) "freezer" means "your ******", and "still good" means "something I have to do, even though I don't want to." Glad I could straighten that out for you. ;)
spirited_away33 0
Oh no! He didn't want to have sex with you once! your life must be effed.
dancing_bear 0
Were you naked? Because if you were, it couldn't have been more obvious what you wanted. Fine if he didn't want it but he could at least have acknowledged that you did...
summerdream 0
perhaps u looked like you were scratching...? anyway FYL
MGW501 2
Fingering yourself is not seduction. You have probably put him off more by signalling to him that you're going to look after yourself in that department, and you're not interested in his ****, tongue or him in general. Time to 'share' some things together, as you're obviously not communicating. Good luck. At least your heart is in the right place, so way in front of other married couples out there.
regalarius 0
#71 - Wow, I haven't heard that bit of horseshit in years. Men do not think about sex once every seven seconds. Unless you count *during* sex. And consider seven seconds of thinking about it to be a single event. That's one of the silliest urban legends I know of.
rafty4life 3
You definately should have beat him to the freezer, and rubbed the ground beef all over your vag. Then blew him. Thats seduction.