Today, I was painting my bedroom walls, when I was struck with an uncontrollable bout of diarrhea. I had to watch helplessly from the en-suite bathroom as my 2 year old daughter painted a lovely picture for me, all over my new $500 sofa. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I painted my daughter's room with the new paint we bought. It's an oil-based paint which hides all blemishes on the wall, but apparently makes me sick. I'm now throwing up everywhere, but at least the room looks good. FML
Today, I have horrible morning sickness. I was helping my daughter fingerpaint, when suddenly the smell of the paint set my stomach off. I threw up all over myself and her painting. FML
Today, I went to check on my 2 year-old daughter in her playroom, since she was being awfully quiet. I walk in to see her finger painting with her own feces on her kiddie table. FML
Today, I had to listen to my daughter’s explosive diarrhea while I watched TV. When she came out of the bathroom, she went white as a sheet. Apparently she thought she was alone. FML
Today, I finished painting my living room. I had to leave the house in a rush. When I got home, I found smears of paint all around and the carpet crusted with paint that had dried. My cat had rubbed up against the walls and tracked it around. FML
Today, while I was painting, my little nephew came in and started watching me. I left to clean my brushes. When I came back into the room, my nephew had spilled paint all over the carpet making a rainbow. It took me 5 hours to clean it up. FML
Today, I babysat my niece and thought a quick shower would be fine. I left her watching cartoons with a blanket and returned to find she’d used washable paints on the carpet and her hands, leaving tiny colorful footprints to the couch. Her proud smile made me forgive the mess, but I spent the evening scrubbing. FML
Today, I painted my daughter's bedroom. When I wasn't paying attention, the cat walked through the paint tray. There are now Barney purple paw prints all over the house. FML
Today, I had to clean up after the kid who discovered he could finger paint with his poo. FML
Today, while painting a wall, I handed a bucket of paint up to my friend who was standing on the top rung of a ladder. She said she felt dizzy, and came crashing down on me, along with the paint on my head. FML
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Top comments
jen993 0
and you couldn't yell out to stop ?!?!
Rebe_fml 4
ahhh Poocasso strikes again!! paints while you helplessly sit on the toilet taking a dump.
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Comments (155)
skatergirl21 2
that's not that expensive
dugweacr 2
stop your sxephil aggery
spd2fst4u 5
you coulda done something. your just lazy.
ecamp12 15
Okay, it's "could've" and "you're" and if you actually READ the fml, it says that she had diarrhea
Capt_Oblivious 10
$500 for a sofa? Damn, where did you find one that inexpensive?
FarSide 23
Inflatables R Us.
Capt_Oblivious 10
I'll have to check into that. Do they handle bondage furniture also? I could use some more home 'decor'
PassTheDutch 0
maybe the sofas worth more now.
underpaid011 0
bill your daughter as "an artistic genius", hVe her sign and number the sofa, then sell it on eBay for $5000 as a "the first of a very limited series".
zombiekitten87 12
man, your kids are really well disciplined. good job.
risty 0
I don't know what 2 year olds you know, but the ones I know are very smart and know exactly when they are doing something wrong! You can definitely punish a 2 year old (ex: times outs).
alexFYL 11
"If you don't stop that right now, as soon as I get out of the bathroom you are going in a time out and I'm taking away your ________ toy!" Or if you're a jerk, "Stop that you little %#^& I'm going to beat the %^@*( out of you as soon as I get off the toilet!"
odexy 12
What the hell? I'd really like to know where you got a $500 couch. That is cheap as ****.
wordgirl 0
Being able to think fast in a crisis is probably the most useful thing in my brain. I would have calculated quickly and figured that it costs under twenty bucks to rent a carpet cleaner for the floors/carpets that you'd get diarrhea all over but you'd have to replace the couch. I would have gone and picked her up. :)