Today, during my father's funeral, I heard my mother-in-law mutter, "No loss there. Lazy cunt." FML

Today, my aunt's last words to me were, "Don't be an idiot". FML

Today, my grandmother told me that since my dad was a mistake, I too am a mistake. FML

Today, I found my childhood diary stashed in a box in the attic. I flipped to the last page and noticed a little note written by my now deceased father. It read, "Well son, this diary proves that you're a whiny asshole - Dad." Thanks Dad, from beyond the grave. FML

Today, my grandfather told me that I was ugly. When my mom found out, she said that, "Old people are allowed to tell the truth." FML

Bad women's anatomy

Today, I confronted my dad about his horrible attitude toward women. I pointed out that a man with as many sisters and daughters as he has, shouldn’t refer to women who’ve had children as “damaged goods”. He laughed and said, “Ah well, once it’s been blown out, it’s no good to anyone.” Thanks dad. FML

Newsflash from beyond the grave

Today, I found out my deceased grandmother never liked anything that I bought for her. She would never say anything to not hurt my feelings. The only reason I bought those things in the first place was because growing up she told me that she liked them. Now that she's gone, I'm hearing what she really thought. FML

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

Lame

Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "Shit!", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother." FML

Today, I overheard my dickhead dad telling my girlfriend that she's too good for me, then asking if she really wants to settle for someone like me. FML