Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML
Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really liked. He spent the whole time talking about his pet iguana and how it's the love of his life. FML
Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister, "Good one, Ellen!" I picked up the snake to take it to show her. The snake started moving in my hands and bit me. I had to go to the hospital. FML
Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML
Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML
Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML
Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML
Today, a lizard got caught in some loose duct tape in my office. A perk of working alone, I get to clean up. Lizards scare the Bejeezus out of me. FML
Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML
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Top comments
JenDanielle917 13
What? He wasn't turned on? You sure?
indistructo 3
I'm sure that you both enjoyed ;) hey maybe it'll lead to something more
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Comments (69)
OneEyedZombie 0
How is this possibly FML?
beingagirl 0
This isn't an FML , this is like a dream cone true (;
devinewind 4
best first date ever. If I can help you retrieve your lizard you can hold my snake.
Darklord53 0
Don't worry about it, I'm sure he likes you now ;)
BBS90 0
Are you sure you didn't do it on purpose??? And by the way did his snake didn't jump into you too???
ChuckNorrisBeard 0
You sure you didn't do that on purpose?
sciencekidster1 8
Good idea, I'll have to try this;)
b1gphil 6
i bet he wants to put his snake between your boobs ;)
animalover721 3
Poor lizard is probably turned on!
Munchkin13 6
This didn't sound like an fml to me. I'm sure he was glad that happen.