Today, I tried to impress the guy I like. He breeds reptiles, and I happen to have a snake and a lizard. I went over to his house to show them off. He opened the door just as my lizard fell between my boobs. He had to help me get it out. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend tried to cure me of my snake phobia by buying one. When he took it out of the cage, it bit him. Now he's terrified of them too. Even worse, he dropped the snake, so it's now loose in our house. FML
Today, my cat decided to show me just how much he loves me by bringing a live snake into my bedroom. Thanks. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really liked. He spent the whole time talking about his pet iguana and how it's the love of his life. FML
Today, I went into my room and found a plastic snake on the floor. I yelled out to my sister, "Good one, Ellen!" I picked up the snake to take it to show her. The snake started moving in my hands and bit me. I had to go to the hospital. FML
Today, I woke up to an angry snake trying to climb the leg of my bed. My bedroom was closed all day yesterday. It must have gotten in my room days ago. FML
Today, I was spending some time alone out in the countryside, when I glanced at my boot. I saw a snake, screamed, ran like hell for my car, tripped over my own feet, and smashed my kneecaps. Upon further inspection, I realized the "snake" was my loose shoelace. FML
Today, I allowed my friend to talk me into going on a date. The guy's truck smelled like formaldehyde - I'm assuming from the snake that he apparently tried to turn into a necklace. FML
Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML
Today, a lizard got caught in some loose duct tape in my office. A perk of working alone, I get to clean up. Lizards scare the Bejeezus out of me. FML
Today, I went out to get milk from the garage fridge for my mom. The moment I stepped out, my foot settled on the neighbor's boa, who likes to escape. After my mom finally opened the door to my frantic shouting, she spotted the snake, slammed the door, and locked both of us outside. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
JenDanielle917 13
What? He wasn't turned on? You sure?
indistructo 3
I'm sure that you both enjoyed ;) hey maybe it'll lead to something more
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (69)
KayleighRenee 0
Threesome! You, your crush and the lizard ;)
salvorican 24
I can't see how the lizard would enjoy that... Lmao
tylenol123 0
If you think this is an fml tgen your pretty stupid :)
shmuwol 3
Sound like a good beginning for **** movie! Lol
BoredomCentral 8
If I were a reptile lover and a girl showed up at my doorstep with a lizard between her boobs.... I'd totally marry her.
itsfreakinliv 8
Get it in.
tokyoheaven1994 0
How is this a fml I would put this on my achievements.
chosha_fml 27
Couldn't have planned it better. Nice work OP.
ryankon518 3
Well you skipped first base and went right to second.
destraa 1
I know that I personally would have been impressed! Hell of a way to show off the reptiles and tease the senses.
Hannahrayne 0
I think that's a good thing.