Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my cat to the vet. As the vet reached to examine him, he hissed, then clawed me instead, and then ran straight into a wall. Now we’re both sitting at the vet's, scowling and injured. FML
Today, despite me not liking cats, which my wife knew, she got a cat anyway. Her cat went for a walk outside and was hit by a car. I rushed outside to help the cat but found she was already dead, and the culprit had driven away. When my wife found out that her cat was dead, she thought I'd killed her. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet for a regular check-up. In the waiting room, she escaped from her carrier and created chaos, knocking over supplies, and hissing at everyone. FML
Today, I saved a kitten from the streets, cleaned her up and asked the vet what I should do with her because she was the sweetest thing and my cat has a highly contagious illness. The vet had to put her down. FML
Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML
Today, my husband's cat died. He has resorted to calling me by her name to comfort himself. FML
Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of taking me to the doctor. FML
Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML
Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML
Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the shit out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
For ****'s sake, people! How many trite, overused goddamned pussy jokes are you people going to make? New material! NOW!
Ambient25 25
Well sounds like you're not getting or playing with any pussy tonight...
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Comments (86)
MidnightMusic53 37
You're in the hospital for bites and scratches from a cat? Did the cat cut an artery or something?
DropBearMeat 23
If you are bitten by a cat and the bite breaks the skin, go to the hospital. I'm not kidding. Cats' mouths are some of the filthiest there are and you can get very ill (even life threatening diseases) from a bite. Type "cat bite" into Google and you'll get a large number of hits about just how bad they can get.
MidnightMusic53 37
Oh please. Do you know how many times I've been bitten by my cats? There's plenty of things you can use at home for cat bites. Wash the wound thoroughly. Hydrogen Peroxide is very effective, and saves you a ginormous hospital bill. Neosporin is also very handy for these situations, just reapply it to the wound often. It's not something to go to the hospital for unless you foolishly leave bites and scratches untreated and unsupervised.
MidnightMusic53 37
Also, you should not rely on Google for medical advice. Many things on the internet are exaggerated or not true.
kmccain 27
Well Op did say a"deep gash" in his leg.
MidnightMusic53 37
"It's only a flesh wound!"
MidnightMusic53 37
Hydrogen Peroxide brings anything in the wound to the surface, which is why it foams, it also drains pus and any bacteria. It is effective, ask any doctor. That's what you get for using yet another internet source for medical information. Also, that article is from 2007, so I doubt it's updated information..
maosquare 18
Jack Nicholson cleans his nose wound with hydrogen peroxide in Chinatown. If the movie says its an effective way to clean your wound out, I'm doing it.
AboveAll04 14
"accidentally" open the door and let it get loose!
armyaggie 11
Before I can vote on this one I need to know whose fault it is that you are married to a woman with a cat. Did she have a cat before you married her or did she pull one on you by waiting until you were married to get a cat?
jelly713 19
If I were her, I'd would love you for it. My cats are assholes especially to anyone who isn't me or my brother. I don't think I would have let you take the cat to be honest.
TheJester12 15
Wife: Oh you poor kitten. Did the big man scare you ? I'm sorry you had to go through that . Here let me wash the blood off your paws. Op . This is why you buy dogs . And not marrying a crazy cat lady might also help
delaneyluke 5
That's pawsitively clawfull ...
Nilorak 24
:(
olpally 33
Cats are the guardians of the ancient underworld... Be glad you're still alive, op. that's one mean pussy you got there and your wife is kind of a bitch.
perdix 31
I'm sure the cat is upset that it failed to kill its prey. After a few tasty bites, it seems that you escaped and now the cat is a frustrated predator that needs consolation. I wouldn't go to sleep with that cat in the house -- it knows what you taste like and will come back for more.
Kyle_Kawi27 7
It would be bye bye wife and hello single life. And possibly a dead cat actually yea dead cat...