Today, I told my son about wet dreams, what they are and how they are normal. Afterwards, he exclaimed, "It's kinda like when I beat off, except I'm asleep! Awesome!" FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML
Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML
Today, I went to the grocery store with my four-year-old. She has some issues with wetting the bed, so I told her that if she wasn't sure if she was dreaming about "going", she should pinch herself to make sure she's awake. In the produce section, she pinched herself, smiled proudly, and peed. FML
Today, my son said, "Mommy, sometimes my pee-pee goes up like a stick." I replied, "Well, honey, that's normal and okay." I then asked when it happens, to which he said, "Well, sometimes when watching Scooby Doo and Shaggy comes out dressed in lady clothes." FML
Today, my son took a nap quietly for the first time ever. As I went to wake him up, I realized why. A previously poop-filled diaper came flying at me when I opened the door. FML
Today, my 10 year old brother caught me masturbating and then said "Oh, so that's how you do it!". He then ran to his room and locked the door. I inadvertently taught my little brother how to masturbate. FML
Today, I was lying beside my 5-year-old son to help him get to sleep. He turned his head and asked, "Daddy, why do you suck so much?" FML
Today, my 3-year-old son discovered his testicles. When I asked him what they were, he replied, "They're my balls! They make my winkie happy!" Now he won't quit singing it. FML
Today, I was changing my son's diaper when he said "Momma." Astonished that he'd finally spoken, I clapped and smiled proudly. My clap scared the crap out of him. Literally. FML
Today, I had a wet dream. When I woke up, I was touching myself. Unfortunately, I also woke up to find that I had fallen asleep on the couch after eating too much at a family reunion. When I looked around the room, over 10 relatives were giving me nasty looks. FML
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Top comments
MegasaurusRex89 28
That has to be THE most uncomfortable sentence one could say to a parent.
Miss_Mandi 29
Did somebody beat you to a sex talk with your son, OP? ...Now that I think about it, it was probably the internet.
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Comments (69)
Preposterous 8
Maybe a little late there...
shesaywha 19
If he's that familiar with masturbatory lingo maybe a whole year or two late.
Colon_Man 17
Well, he is 25...
bonermonkey 31
at least he is happy :)
FlyestBoy 11
Until he gets semen stuck on his underwear with the tip of his thang attached. stuff hurts to pull off.
riffehunter 16
what? do you cum superglue?
FlyestBoy 11
Please use correct grammar. Also, semen is sticky like glue... what happens when some sticky dries? It sticks.
mohamed_H 21
Your son is going places
Iwannarock1 19
or college either!
MRSwick2525 23
Why isn't he going to College? Cause he jerks off? That doesn't effect intelligence you know.
cjohns6954 6
Yep. To the bathroom like 14 times a day.
hunnybunnyerjs 7
i bet u didnt go to COLLEGE*** either
smokecloud_ 37
You know, I'm not one of those grammar nazi types, but if you're going to insult someone's spelling, shouldn't you spell out the word you?
Colon_Man 17
U so cray cray. :D
mohamed_H 21
Apply cold water to the burn!
mohamed_H 21
#27*
Miss_Whipped 43
#21, jerking off doesn't 'effect' intelligence? Are you sure it doesn't AFFECT intelligence?
ashingtondc 3
this entire thread is a failure.
FreakyDino98 13
it is apparent that most of the people on this thread don't have a proper sense of humor to understand the joke in the first two comments . seriously the third comment sounds more like venting frustration than anything.
MegasaurusRex89 28
That has to be THE most uncomfortable sentence one could say to a parent.
trollcrusher 17
I feel only slightly ashamed for immediately being able to think of even worse sentences... or more than slightly, on second thought.
DrFood 8
I think if he said "kinda like when I **** ____" would be the worst thing he could say.
PaulChristie 13
I like this kid. He reminds me a little bit of myself.
mds9986 24
You beat off too?! We have so much in common with OPs son!
AcieMcG 21
Hah I don't think I could trust someone who says they've never masturbated.
Miss_Mandi 29
Did somebody beat you to a sex talk with your son, OP? ...Now that I think about it, it was probably the internet.
mimirawr14 17
Or tv
FatherPlatypus 8
Or messed up friends like me
SkylineFTW97 25
In this age of unprecedented access to technology, pornography and slasher films take our children's innocence at younger and younger ages. I should know. I lost mine when I was about 8.
QuaDECH 13
"beat"
cooltatgar 31
Neither FYL nor YDI, it's just normal as you said.
MdMan2 23
Nice son you got there…
MrThump 16
Haha classic! At least he's honest about it and doesn't b/s about it like 90% of people. You raised a good honest kid there, you should be proud!
Cads1 24
Awesome, you could not have been expecting that answer!