Today, I said to my wife that I wished I had met her 20 years ago. Her response was, "Twenty years ago I had beautiful tits and many options, I wouldn't have even looked at you." FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I said I wouldn't find her attractive in 20 years. What I actually said was that I wouldn't sleep with her mother now, who happens to be 20 years older than her. FML
Today, my wife and I were out with another couple we're friends with. When we went back to their house, we looked at old pictures. They showed us a great picture, and I said, "It would've been a lot better if that fat chick didn't ruin it in the background." It was the woman from the couple. FML
Today, I was in the car with my husband complaining about the way I look. His response, "Babe, if I cared about the way you looked I wouldnt have married you." FML
Today, it was me and my wife's anniversary. I spent it consoling her as she cried over a man she loved 20 years ago. They never even dated. FML
Today, the girl who I had a desperate crush on in high school 25 years ago, and who would never go out with me, told me that she was actually head over heels in love with me, but was so cripplingly shy that she couldn't say yes. She's divorced now. I'm married. FML
Today, I ran into my girlfriend by chance while out shopping. She looked different than usual. Maybe it was the wedding ring she was wearing, or how she had her arm around another gentleman, gee, I don't know. That's two years of my life wasted. FML
Today, my mom told me that her vagina is "as cute today as it was twenty years ago." FML
Today, I wish I'd been a whole hell of a lot sluttier and more adventurous in my 20s. Nowadays my libido has me ready to burst, but my partner not so much. I miss feeling wanted and just letting myself get lost in my own pleasure. FML
Today, I ran into an old high school friend while out with my husband. When she inquired who I was married to, I pointed to my husband, who was looking at shirts. She laughed and said, "No really?", insinuating that I couldn't get anyone that good looking. FML
Today, after being married for 20 years, I found out that my wife has accounts on multiple dating sites, "just in case." FML
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Top comments
knight0748 5
Tell her that's fine, in a few years you'll trade her in for a newer and younger one anyway.
fatfatgoeshome 8
At least you have her now! ....yay!
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Comments (119)
FML858 0
divorrrce
DocBastard 40
You're 12 and know nothing of life and relationships. Go back to watching Teletubbies or whatever children do and don't comment on adult subjects until you have some life experience, little girl.
Terezi 0
Thank you, God, for giving us DocBastard.
DocBastard 40
Boners- please be sober when you post.
cul8r 4
Weiber... De san doch olle gleich.
cul8r 4
WTF did I say wrong? I don't even remember typing anything remotely offensive...
5t3ff1k4h 47
Moderation of your comments does not always occur because you said something offensive. If you need further assistance, please read the rules of FML.
kawigurl 0
wife-1 op-0
5t3ff1k4h 47
Sadly, I don't think sobriety will help.
Bawxy 0
Don't be sensitive, OP. That was grade-A teasing in my opinion.
MrsPegg 45
DDDAAAAMMMNNN!!! Thats ****** up!! Bitch....
Summera 2
What a bitch! FYL
BigL99 20
Don't worry ladies and gentlemen he got laid later on that night.
flodezie 0
hilarious!!! lmfao..