Today, I had to leave my one-night stand in my flat because I was giving a guest lecture at the local university. Halfway through, I hear someone sneaking in so I jokingly asked if they had a 'wild night out.' It was the guy I slept with. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my one-night stand decided he wanted to meet my parents. FML
Today, I had a one-night stand. After holding in my farts all night, as you should, I decided enough was enough and tried to calmly let one slip out. One did not calmly slip out; instead I shat myself in her bed. I was naked at the time, so was unable to hide it. FML
Today, I heard a knock on my door and, thinking it was my student adviser, opened it. I was greeted by a drunk girl, who pushed her way into my dorm room, informed me that she lived here last year, and then told me that she lost her virginity in my bed. FML
Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML
Today, I got back to my hotel at the same time as my supervisor and realized we had rooms right next to each other. I thought it was funny and said good night to him… only to remember that I had slept with HIS boss last night. We were not quiet. FML
Today, I woke up in my roommate's bed. Apparently, the previous night I sleep-walked into her room, layed on her bed, and fell asleep. In the middle of her and her boyfriend having sex. He's now going around saying he slept with both of us. FML
Today, I woke up to the sound of someone having sex in the room next to me. I don't have a roommate. Turns out my mom thought I was out of town and used her extra key to bring a guy over for sex. FML
Today, I learned that what happens in Vegas doesn't always stay in Vegas. This includes my one night stand who turned up outside my front door with a suitcase in her hand. FML
Today, I tried to have a fun night out. I met a guy and we went back to "his" place, which turned out to actually be his mother's house. He introduced me to her. Two hours later, I knew his life story and had to do the walk of shame without ever getting anywhere near his bedroom. FML
Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs. I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex. Afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they'd also had great sex. FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
What the hell were you thinking leaving a stranger in your flat? While you were gone, he could have tripped over your cat, stolen your cake, and emptied your apartment! Dumbass.
ClickMyPicture 0
LOL! It must be fate ♥
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Comments (91)
kels_409 0
Atleast you weren't at a high school giving a lecture.
Trollz4daLULZ 2
YDI for FORNICATING (it feels good to say that one again, since my office's network blocks the intimacy section of FML). Also, YDI for being a guest lecturer and for being a jackass to late arrivals instead of everyone!
boopityboppity 11
Did you try doing https? A lot of systems fail to realize that it's the same site.
boopityboppity 11
Scratch that. FMyLife doesn't work with https.
DocBastard 40
Trollz, YDI for working in an office with morals (read: firewalls). I'm not sure exactly what it is that you deserve, but whatever it is, you can be damn sure you deserve it.
sweet_candy_ 17
You deserved it op :(
unidentified_sta 5
But through which door did he come?
ckjacques53198 0
*****
IWABO2_ 0
He came thrue the back door( pun)
Grand_Cookie 21
You shouldn't be banging random dudes
knight0748 5
His comeback should be: " got wasted last night and went home with the last girl in the bar."
brianjman14 23
I don't really care if someone has a one night stand, but why the **** would you leave them ALONE in your home?! ******* dumbest move ever...
TakeMyLifePlease 7
Lol, ******* a random stranger, i.e. letting him into your body = totally cool, but leaving him alone in your home is the jumbo no-no? If she's that hard up that ******* strangers is acceptable, she should just get a goddamn vibrator. You can leave it alone without worrying about it taking off with your tv.
dudeitsdanny 10
She's there while he ***** her, he's not alone in her body. Thats called rape. Or necrophilllllia. So yes, its okay if she ***** a stranger. Not a good idea to leave him alone at your place, though. I was expecting a worse FML
jordanjames21 1
WTF IS A FLAT?????
knight0748 5
some girls' chests.
brianjman14 23
I think it's like an apartment building but only in the UK.
xNephilim 19
STOP YELLING AND BUY A DICTIONARY!
Chella69 0
^^win