Today, I had to go into school for the third time this week because my son is claiming he's on bath salts and biting all his classmates. My son is 16. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML
Today, my son thought it was a good idea to spray deodorant into his mouth because he wanted fresh breath. This resulted in him passing out. My son is 17. FML
Today, my daughter spent three hours crying and having a temper tantrum over being forced to have a bath after four days without one. My daughter is 16. FML
Today, I was called by my son's school to pick him up. Apparently, he snorted baking soda, crushed aspirin, and flour because he thought it was coke. Where did I go wrong raising this twerp? FML
Today, someone called the police on me because one of my students was going home with me every day. The student is my son. FML
Today, my son threw the biggest fit in history about going to the dentist. He broke a whole stack of plates, overflowed the bathtub, let the dog loose, and kicked his father when he tried to calm him down. My son is 17. FML
Today, I had to pick my son up from school after he beat the crap out of another student. The words that made him go nuts were apparently, "You mad, bro?" FML
Today, I accused my son of faking being sick. He then blew chunks all over me. FML
Today, my doctor lectured me for 20 minutes about 'drug seeking behaviour' when I asked for more anti-anxiety medication. I need it because my shithead 15 year-old son found my pills and took them to get wasted. I need the meds in the first place because he's constantly pulling shit like this. FML
Today, my son is going through a rebellious phase. He's taken to wearing leather and chains, listening to death metal music all day in his room alone, and screaming at me in public places. He was fired from his part-time job for swearing at customers. My son is 29 years old. FML
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Top comments
dogpfcorn 11
Mother of god.....the zombies are coming
nikininja 4
He is lucky no one took him seriously and took a baseball bat to him!
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Comments (106)
DocBastard 40
You can sleep easily knowing that he's not on bath salts. He's just an idiot. Though that might not help you sleep much...
SweetAsHell 9
Don't lie OP, we all know he found your bath salt stash. Mm... Lavender scented too.
JustKittyKat 24
Posts like these make me fear what my future children may do to embarrass me. I vow to not raise idiots!
sacmaster 11
I couldn't agree more. Although, at some point, it becomes the kids' choices made independently of their parents that turn them into idiots. And at that point, the only fool proof solution is to beat the shit out of them ...but not really because that's mean:)
honestjane 22
I tell my kids when it comes to make choices, first ask yourself "Is this going to get me featured on a World's Dumbest show?" If the answer is yes, don't do it.
Wederoney 16
The 11th commandment: Thou shalt not raise idiots.
sacmaster 11
At least he was just biting people and not actually tearing their flesh/eating their faces :) But that still sucks balls OP.
JustKittyKat 24
Ick! I'd prefer he do neither. What if he accidentally draws blood? Perhaps he has an open sore in his mouth, too. Who knows what some people might be carrying? /shudder
sacmaster 11
Or worse...he bites down on a pimple or abscess and it exploded in his mouth!! super shudder /
Melpomena 4
Note to self: don't eat or drink while reading FML.
eternal7 6
#23 - Would serve him right though
rainbowbigbird 7
Or "bites balls."
Khariau 8
Musel him, and put him on a leash, and then take him to school !
rainbowbigbird 7
For all those who had to do a little double take, I believe 18 is going for "Muzzle."
Khariau 8
No I actually meant muscle ;-)
paintballnuts 5
Hey I just met you and this is crazy I had some bath salts your face looks tasty
DocBastard 40
I'm assuming you don't bother reading the comments before making your own, because #9 already made this joke. Next time be quicker or original. You choose.
watros06 3
you could always just drag him out of class by his face screaming about your stash... if nothing else it will convince the school he's nowhere as crazy as you are.
jetsown08 21
Well, it's better your son was 16 and doing this than your son being 8 and doing this, right?
DocBastard 40
I've seen one patient high on bath salts. It looked very much like PCP, only much more violent. No face eating, just thrashing around and screaming nonsense, just like a Metallica concert.
Grimmerie 31
Doc, if you ever find time to write a blog post about that it would be awesome. That sounds equal parts terrifying and captivating.
MrsAlexander83 10
Holy crap! Kids stick just about anything up their nose and in their mouth as infants but I sees whole new generation that continues to do this for as long as they can get away with it!! Bath salts?! Really??
KiddNYC1O 22
Last I read, the guy who bit off the homeless guy's face had no trace of bath salts in him.
Boob_fml 6
There are many other less popular instances of people high on bath salts assaulting others by biting.
KiddNYC1O 22
Oh, okay. Thanks for that. But just for the record, that guy wasn't... so the police say...
Boob_fml 6
Yeah I read that same thing. Last I heard was he got some weed which tuned out to be WET.
KiddNYC1O 22
Damn.
Brodynn 0
That has never been proven.