Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Same thing different taste
Today, I married the man of my dreams. At the after-party, my psycho grandma stood up, called for quiet, and engaged in a long rant about how this was "the beginning of the end" and advising everyone that the secret to a successful marriage is "cheating, plain and simple". FML
Today, I married the love of my life. I was ecstatic until the wedding reception, where my new husband got drunk and started crying about how he'd been "forced" into marrying me. FML
Today, I got married. When my father gave me away, in front of hundreds of people, to my groom, he said, "She's your problem now." FML
Today, I went to my cousin's wedding. The groom walked over when the two of us were talking, took one good look at me, slapped me on the ass, and said, "You know, if I wasn't marrying Rose here, you'd be next." Yeah, about that: I'm a 16-year old guy. FML
Today, I married the beautiful girl I’ve been in love with since we were both 6 years old. By married, I mean I performed the marriage ceremony as the vicar and watched her smile and kiss her arsehole boyfriend, now husband, right in front of me. FML
The show must go on!
Today, during my wedding ceremony, the groom-to-be found it appropriate to blurt out about an ongoing affair with my maid of honor. They got married instead. FML
Today, I married the man of my dreams. While I was being driven to our wedding reception, I checked my Facebook. My husband had just updated his status to "Me and the bitch just got hitched." FML
Unapproving
Today, as I kissed my husband after our wedding vows, my mother-in-law muttered "Slut." loudly from the front row. Everyone heard her, but kept smiling and pretended to be oblivious. FML
Today, it was my wedding day. Midway through the ceremony, my grandma, who's tried to ruin every relationship to date, stood up and shouted that "it ain't right", "you're too good for her", and claimed my fiancée has been cheating on me, before she was finally ejected from the building. FML
Classic Jeff
Today, it was my wedding day. My new husband decided it would be a good idea, when he was supposed to do his speech, to stand up and say, "Ladies and gentlemen, may I have your attention please. Genitals. That is all." FML
Top comments
MetalxSoldier 26
Tell your grandpa it's ok, you have the key.
PossiblyInDanger 24
Believe it or not, women enjoy sex too. Marriage doesn't mean no more sex.
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Comments (73)
FanofGames 9
you might like Rosy. she's sounds very "handy" in moments like these.
Regimental_Phan 18
hey, he may be old but he is very wise. listen to the guy!
WattledParsley 11
Yep, she does do the job.
Nameless_Fellow 11
Dang, your grandfather has eerily good hearing.... FYL
Livin_Like_Larry 29
Holy shit, I'm dying right now!
weveallbeenthere 30
turned the hearing aid way up for that.
gobiteme2 34
Grandpa was a little slow there. It slammed shut the moment he said “I Do”
MetalxSoldier 26
Tell your grandpa it's ok, you have the key.
Johnnycake23 42
Hearing Aids these days are incredible!
iSativa 24
If your wife ain't puttin out, you're bad at sex.
cheeeksss 29
Because obviously wives are obligated to "put out" whenever their husbands wants them to. And obviously if she doesn't want to, it automatically means he's bad in bed. Obviously.
Erebus_Terror 12
You know nothing, cheeks. By the way, do you "put out"?
Clawsified 6
There's nothing about "obligation," obviously. Way to obviously read wrongly into the comment. It's about her *wanting* sex if it's pleasurable, obviously. And not wanting sex if it sucks, obviously. There's obviously nothing in that comment about forcing a woman to be submissive, *obviously.*
mfmylifesrsly 30
#5 said "putting out" not wanting sex. they're kind of different meanings, at least to me
ChibiChibi_fml 28
"Putting out" equals willingness to have sex. In context to the FML that phrase was perfectly fine to use. There was zero reference to women being submissive to men or being required to have sex. It obviously meant "If she's not willing to have sex". As a woman I'm inclined to agree. Sex is a pretty big part of a spousal relationship. A sudden lack of interest in sex would mean either 1. The man isn't good enough in bed to keep her interest or 2. There is something medically or psychologically wrong with the woman and it's causing a problem. The same things would be true in the reverse. His sudden lack of interest would mean that either she's not good enough to keep his interest or there is something medically or psychologically wrong with him. That said, Grandpa is obviously just joking and his words are no reflection as to the actual status of the OP and his new wife's sexual relationship.
RobinGoodfellow 47
Then it's a good thing you don't marry people for access to their ******?
PossiblyInDanger 24
Believe it or not, women enjoy sex too. Marriage doesn't mean no more sex.
fakedsincerity 32
Nah. Women are just baby making machines. We can't enjoy sex. /sarcasm
DoomSkuller 28
I think your joke would've been fairly obvious without the "/sarcasm" there just saying
Addy414 12
That may be true to us, but you and me both know there are people who take everything on the internet literally
slutfactory 17
I'd actually like to know where this belief that women no longer want sex once married comes from. I haven't found it to be accurate... Yet it's something so many men tend to believe.
fakedsincerity 32
exactly #19. can't please everyone, i guess!
tygerarmy 35
In a good relationship both people have a similar sex drive. A persons drive can change, but if it does right after getting married that might mean they were lying about that aspect of the relationship. If you know your wife you shouldn't be worried about anything gramps said OP.
Zebediabolical 45
Women enjoying sex? That's a myth. Just like the existance of the female ******, the g-spot and Europe.
weveallbeenthere 30
#15 -no, unless you tell people your being sarcastic, most are to stupid to get it.
lkreykes 14
that's actually pretty funny... but still FYL
Altafjhetam11 6
Well that's not true. Newly wedded couples do it like there's no tomorrow!
Goblin182 27
And then tomorrow comes
LeashaJoy5595 28
That is something I would never want to hear from my grandfather under any circumstance... Grandpas talking bout sex and vaginas? *shudder* no thanks
JohnTheDonJuan 11
Yeah, because your grandpa never had sex or was ever your age before....
ShowMeKay 20
#27 Still doesn't mean anyone wants to hear about that from their grandfather :/
Zebediabolical 45
My grandfather told me stories about sex with French women in WWII while he was under Patton's command. I only wish I'd been old enough to enjoy them and tell him my own hilarious anecdotes.