Today, I found out that the landscaper my wife hired on my behalf wasn't kidding when he said he was going to trim my wife's bush. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I got super psyched up about a landscaping project my wife denied last year that she's finally game for, which will both fix a water leak into the house, and make our backyard look amazing. I took a week of PTO, then 20 minutes later my wife called to tell me a tree in our back yard fell over. We're also probably getting divorced. FML
Today, my husband let me sleep in while he worked on the landscaping by our backyard pool. Ready for a shower, I stripped naked, opened the back door to let the dog out, and stepped out to ask him how it was going. Turns out he'd finally hired a landscaping crew. FML
Today, I finally noticed that my wife only shaves her bush when she goes on "business trips." FML
Today, my husband finally got round to cutting down a tree limb in our front yard after months of me begging him. It fell on me. FML
Today, my husband thought it would be funny to mow a penis into our lawn. I guess he forgot my parents are coming over. FML
Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML
Today, I found out that my wife has been having an affair with the guy who's been trying to get our relationship back on track. FML
Today, the guy I hooked up with last weekend texted me that I needed to "landscape my front lawn." FML
Today, my assmunch neighbor snitched on me and told my wife I was bringing my girlfriend home to sleep over while she worked her job during the graveyard shift. All because I’d forgotten to return his lawnmower. FML
Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML
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Top comments
arcadekid1 9
Perhaps you should return the favour and cut his grass!
brittanyayy 8
I mean, if he was REALLY doing his job, it would've been your bushes as well.
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Comments (100)
Cuervo23 8
First
SpicyDuck 22
Clever man. But that's her job.
hotshot2626 9
Should've used Angies list.
GypsyRover 0
She would come home to the locks changed and her shit on the curb. Sell every thing you own to a good friend for a buck. That way when the divorce is over you owe her .50. Then you can get all the shit back from your friend! Trust me,it's legal,it works,it's what I did!!!
RevenVx 16
Correct me if I'm wrong, but won't the courts look in his favor anyways since she was the one who cheated? So why go through the extra hassle of selling your things if she's not entitled to half?
PlaySpades 21
Unless he has proof of infidelity, it doesn't matter what he claims happened.
PYLrulz 17
30 - Wasn't there a King of the Hill episode where Hank's boss does that?!?
SpicyDuck 22
I'm the only one that thinks its a little odd that he is trimming her bush..?
brittanyayy 8
It was a metaphor
cjhilde 1
She gets it...
SpicyDuck 22
Wow, I'm glad that was cleared up. What was I thinking? I forgot how much of our population doesn't understand sarcasm or have a sense of humor.
arcadekid1 9
Perhaps you should return the favour and cut his grass!
patrickalamo 48
Get the pruning sheers and make it so he pees sitting down.
annie_nk 23
Better not hire a pool boy...
Tthug 34
Haha. Great reference. The people who vote it down need to go watch the movie extract.
jacquesromualdez 12
Or watch out for the plumbing man or the mailman.
ALDJ 4
if the mailman comes on Sunday, something is up
unknown_user5566 27
Landscapers have some pretty sharp tools, right? I hope you put them to good use, and then promptly filed for divorce.
perdix 31
#52, you sure have a selective memory.
unknown_user5566 27
52- Definitely a selective memory... did you not see the "my boyfriend is intimidated by pretty girls" story?
doctorhook86 25
52: You've got 10 comments and as far as I can tell, they've all been fails. Don't **** with kyleekay--she's smarter than you.
brittanyayy 8
I mean, if he was REALLY doing his job, it would've been your bushes as well.
brittanyayy 8
Wait that sounds bad too. I mean like technically it would be both yours and your wife's bu.....no I give up. It's impossible to reverse this.
theartists 5
Less was more.
perdix 31
Evidently, the OP was taking care of his own manscaping at the time, but his wife's garden had become wildly overgrown. You need to bring in the pros to take care of that shit. Trimming a massive bush is one thing, but when he plows her field. . .
st333ph 12
Oh gosh.. How did that go?
theartists 5
How do you think?
st333ph 12
He could've joined in. Lol
unknown_user5566 27
If he had joined in, I'm guessing it wouldn't have made it to FML. "Today, I had a threesome. FML" Naw... I don't see that ever getting approved to be a story.
flockz 20
i don't think any straight guy would want a threesome with a girl and another guy. that's just gay sex with a witness.
spazz666 18
26) I think a man that is comfortable enough with his sexuality would be willing to have a threesome under the right circumstances. For example, of him and his girl wanted to try something new and they were both extremely comfortable around the other guy. It's not as big a deal as everyone makes it seem, and it's not like you're gunna be forced to suck his dick. Come on.
zero91 4
2 guys shouldnt sex the same girl .. if the girl gets pregnant , who is the father of the child
RussianFox 13
41- That's what we call an episode of Maury/Jerry Springer.
LiterOfCola 16
40: I think it's one thing if its just a hook up, but I think YOU should "come on." It seems extremely weird to me that a guy would be okay with watching another man touch his wife or girlfriends ******. Why would you want another guy to know what your wife feels like? That is just beyond awful in my opinion. Regardless of whether it's a gay act, how could you be okay with seeing your girl all over another guy's dick?
unknown_user5566 27
76- I agree with you and would not be able to see someone else being intimate with my husband, but everyone has different tastes and preferences when it comes to sexual activity.
kittykat1501 31
26, how would a guy and two girls do it? Only one penis and two holes
EnvyMe33 26
But there are three mouths...
MotherHen88 4
I guess he wasn't beating around the bush when he told you that.
xxenforcerxx 4
bad pun
JoeRogansBEARD 15
Good pun
aksweetheart 7
It was a good pun BECAUSE it was a bad pun... Come on people get with the program.
johnboyu 0
No, he was just beating it. Mercilessly.
GothickNihilist 15
I usually don't say this on FML , but divorce is an option since she did cheat. Look at all of your options and weigh them side by side. Good luck OP. I hope things work out for you.
simonsaysYDI 8
Kinda hard to prove that unless he snapped a picture. "She cheated!" "Er... No I didn't!"
GrAmCrAcKeRzz 3
Damn. How does he know your wife has a bush?
HannahLouise96 13
I think that's the entire point of the FML.....
greatdanen 6
that is the most tryhard non-funniest beside the point comment since the eclipse that spawned you.
unknown_user5566 27
29- What the hell are you rambling on about?
that_band_nerd 22
something about bad comments and sucky teenage vampire novels..... I think?