Today, I accidentally shoved my finger up my cat's butt while trying to push him off my nightstand in the dark. FML

Oldest trick in the book

Today, I have to admit I sometimes snoop in my daughter's room, but she must have realised this because she has started laying booby traps for me. I'm currently in the ER getting fishing hooks removed from my hand after she taped them to a mousetrap and left the mousetrap inside her desk drawer. I deserve it but, FML

Today, I discovered my cat frequently licks my toothbrush. FML

Today, my daughter and I were at a school carnival. At the face painting station, she sat down and asked for a kitty on her face. Next, she shoved me on a chair and whispered something into the lady's ear. I ended up with a 'black eye' by request of my own daughter. She's 4. FML

Home improvement

Today, I found my 6 year-old daughter upstairs, lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving, "the carpet a haircut." FML

Today, my daughter was playing outside. I was watching her from the window, and I saw her pick up a dead bird. I ran outside to grab her. As I picked her up and started scolding her, she tried to scratch my face. In the attempt, her hand went straight into my mouth. FML

Apex predator

Today, after we finished making my 6 year-old daughter a net to catch an injured baby bird, when she went out to catch it she witnessed a stray cat catch and eat it. FML

Today, I came home with a friend to find my mom scratching my dad's butt with a fork. FML

Primitive art

Today, I went to check on my 2 year-old daughter in her playroom, since she was being awfully quiet. I walk in to see her finger painting with her own feces on her kiddie table. FML

Today, I caught my sister eating crayons. She's 19. FML