Today, I asked my mother why she didn't drink. She laughed and said, "The last time I drank was the night you were conceived. I didn't need any other disasters." FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my mom got drunk and started crying, ranting about all the things she could have done in life if I hadn't been born. FML
Today, I asked my mom why she drinks. She said she only drinks when she's depressed. My step-dad said she only drinks on the weekend. Those are the days I'm at her house. FML
Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML
Today, I was watching a home video of when my mom was pregnant with me. She had a beer in her hand. FML
Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML
Today, my mother told me that for a period when I was a baby, every night she stood over my crib with a bottle of bourbon and a gun, convincing herself not to shoot me for ruining her life by being born when she was only 18. I wish I could be more like my siblings, who don't visit her anymore. FML
Today, my dad took me to a bar for my first legal drink. He quickly got "drunk" and started slurring that I was an accident, saying the only reason I'm alive is because he'd been too poor to pay for an abortion. As I started crying, he burst out laughing and said soberly, "Just kidding, son." FML
Today, I had to pick up my drunk mom at bar. While we were driving home, she thanked me over and over again, and then said, "Thank god you have no life!" FML
Today, my mom celebrated a year's sobriety by having a couple of beers with her boyfriend. FML
Today, I asked my dad if I was a planned baby. He asked me if the crazy drunken party he and my mom had nine months prior to my birth counted. FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
You should have told her that her uterus is so shriveled and dusty at her age that the threat of more pregnancies has passed.
xoxchelaxox08 17
if she really though you were going to be a disaster, she probably would have aborted you. I'm sure she was just joking, or she said that since you were nosing around in her personal business.
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Comments (114)
alaaloo_fml_fml 0
That's terrible OP. I'm sure she was just joking..
beeffyboy 0
or she wasn't.
xoxchelaxox08 17
if she really though you were going to be a disaster, she probably would have aborted you. I'm sure she was just joking, or she said that since you were nosing around in her personal business.
TheLetterZero 7
YDI for having no sense of humor and/or being an actual disaster.
pottymouthpanda 0
damn, you just got burned ...
5t3ff1k4h 47
If you're going to make a shitty joke, at least try to add some creativity. It certainly won't hurt.
wwerulez14 6
YYYEEEEAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!..... No. Fail. :)
DocBastard 40
Worst sunglasses gag ever. EVER.
DocBastard 40
You should have told her that her uterus is so shriveled and dusty at her age that the threat of more pregnancies has passed.
zp5 4
oh, doc. :P
wwerulez14 6
Ouch, Doc. That would definitely shut the bitch up.
unidentified_sta 5
It is not a shitty joke, if properly executed. Unfortunately the latter stipend rarely occurs.
zp5 4
you just fail.