Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had a meeting with my super-hot TA. When I got to her office, she complimented me for being early, to which I thoughtfully replied, "Oh, I usually come early." She laughed. FML
Today, I saw a very attractive female police officer while at the DMV. Thinking myself suave, I asked her: "Is it sexual harassment if I tell you how beautiful I think you are, and ask for your phone number?" Apparently it was. FML
Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML
Today, I tried hitting on the new receptionist at work. After a few flirtatious comments and subtly hinting that I thought she was bangable, she informed me that she's married to our boss. FML
Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML
Today, I came to work ready to impress my boss. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for a promotion from stock to sales and I have been proving myself worthy. Turns out he hired a new girl for sales, with great, big, fake breasts. FML
Today, my boss threatened to fire me for racism after I refused to hire a black woman. I didn't hire her because she came to the interview wearing what was basically a bikini and she was covered in tattoos depicting lewd sex acts. FML
Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML
Today, while working at the bar, I had a beautiful woman squeeze my bicep and tell me I was in amazing shape. Instead of flirting like any normal human being, I awkwardly said, "Thanks…" and then walked away in shame. FML
Today, HR wants to see me about an email where my boss asks me to respect her body. My offense? I asked if she bought a new shirt during a web meeting with our small team. We've worked together for over 10 years. FML
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Top comments
randomcritic 14
Did you immediately correct yourself?
CaptainSmith28 19
Ah, I love a good ole Freudian slip.
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Comments (88)
Kcoate1 13
Lol I can imagine her face
wanted_2_want 40
"sorry, no speak no English"... would've been my second line AND life saver.
mustangbravo 27
This is why you should always say nice ink instead.
Nat3_2020 16
At least she didn't arrest you
One_Way 43
Okay, she's a security guard, not a police officer. Ever watch Paul Blart Mall Cop? Same thing, only apparently with nice ****. I mean, tats.
chocolatelover96 14
The fact you described her as "hot" leads me to believe you weren't thinking with your brain at the time, OP. Easily done when your hormones take over.
Dick_diamond 22
OP said what he was really thinking, not what he meant to say.. Life's a bitch
CliffyB03 28
Well, if she did have nice ****, do you really wanna correct yourself?
TDKopecki 16
Uhhh clearly he does since he is seeing his HR.
Xandrick 22
Ah, well, considering this is a security guard, I think he would do best to correct himself.
RoseLich 17
Well, tit for tat, it would've been best to say neither.
whassallt26 13
Did she have nice ****?
limegreenpoopie 31
AWKWARDDDDD
EvilLittleMan 23
Just be honest and up front that you made a boob boo.
sparkplug420 13
A boob ooo