Today, I approached a hot female security guard and attempted to compliment her new tattoos. Instead of saying, "Nice tats", I ended up saying, "Nice tits". My HR meeting is tomorrow morning. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had a meeting with my super-hot TA. When I got to her office, she complimented me for being early, to which I thoughtfully replied, "Oh, I usually come early." She laughed. FML
Today, I saw a very attractive female police officer while at the DMV. Thinking myself suave, I asked her: "Is it sexual harassment if I tell you how beautiful I think you are, and ask for your phone number?" Apparently it was. FML
Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML
Today, I tried hitting on the new receptionist at work. After a few flirtatious comments and subtly hinting that I thought she was bangable, she informed me that she's married to our boss. FML
Today, my attractive boss sat me down in the break room to say how much she appreciated how much work I've been doing despite being a temp. She was wearing a skirt, and I couldn't take my eyes off her legs. She then patted me on the leg and said "Good Talk". It wasn't my leg. FML
Today, I came to work ready to impress my boss. A couple of weeks ago I asked him for a promotion from stock to sales and I have been proving myself worthy. Turns out he hired a new girl for sales, with great, big, fake breasts. FML
Today, my boss threatened to fire me for racism after I refused to hire a black woman. I didn't hire her because she came to the interview wearing what was basically a bikini and she was covered in tattoos depicting lewd sex acts. FML
Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML
Today, while working at the bar, I had a beautiful woman squeeze my bicep and tell me I was in amazing shape. Instead of flirting like any normal human being, I awkwardly said, "Thanks…" and then walked away in shame. FML
Today, HR wants to see me about an email where my boss asks me to respect her body. My offense? I asked if she bought a new shirt during a web meeting with our small team. We've worked together for over 10 years. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
randomcritic 14
Did you immediately correct yourself?
CaptainSmith28 19
Ah, I love a good ole Freudian slip.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (88)
FusionPlacebo 26
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
How do you mistakenly say **** instead?
TrippingOnAcid 29
What, you've never been tongue tied?
Kaalschneid 21
really, #1 is right. it's one thing to stumble on words, but tats to ****? this could have been easily avoided by saying tattoos, because she wouldn't have noticed titoos from tattoos. well, OP, there's your English lesson for today. you deserve it.
gracehi 33
Freudian slip.
ChristianH39 30
37 Hindsight is 20/20, I hope you never make mistakes and live a flawless existence.
MrSassypants 34
#37 Even if OP said tattoos he could've still messed up. "I like your hair. And your **** too."
slackerjoe 22
was gonna say the same. Its called a Freudian slip. Its when you say what you were thinking instead if what you meant to say.
JKPwnage 27
Relatively easily.
Angelkisses130 26
Hey, don't judge. I once asked my friend's mom, "why did you buy so many penis?" I meant to say peanuts...
gracehi 33
65, That made me laugh out loud! Never change, lady. Never change.
adeeezy 2
#1 pickup line had HR not got involved
curlytop101 23
This can go two ways. Either you get lucky and get laid, or you get fired. Best of luck!
OopsyDoodle 6
judging by the fact that he has an HR meeting, i dont think he's getting lucky.
curlytop101 23
Shoot, didn't realize it said HR there. Oops
RedPillSucks 33
he'll be lucky if he doesn't get fired
enginsteve 17
That's why you never **** with anyone where you work..
lantz4levi 19
Could you tell us why you did it? I liked her tats. That should go over well
vikky538 29
**** and tats are real tongue twisters OP. May be you should try using tattoos instead of tats.... My bad then you could have said ******* ...
jackthekeeper 24
nice tittoos
Colon_Man 17
In OPs' mind: Don't say boobs. Don't say boobs. Don't say boobs. Out of OPs' mouth: "Boobs." In OPs' head: Dammit!
ajluna23 9
Must have been a really beautiful girl
gm1beanzz 14
Hot security guard
TDKopecki 16
I understand reading is hard.
19990231 29
Simple Freudian slips are the reason women think that men are sex driven pigs.
OopsyDoodle 6
No we dont.
Gaernem 17
Ask her out on a date that involves tots as the main course while you're at it.
PePziNL 20
A girl with nice **** and tats tasting tater tots. Terrific.
CaptainSmith28 19
Ah, I love a good ole Freudian slip.
gracehi 33
How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One two hold the ladder and the other to hold the penis--er--I mean lightbulb.
RedPillSucks 33
don't be silly. Freudians can't fit in a lightbulb
randomcritic 14
Did you immediately correct yourself?
Omniprism 15
Just be honest.
RedPillSucks 33
his first comment probably was honest