Today, coming home, I opened up my door to find my drunk boyfriend trying to teach our three baby parakeets to perch on his erect penis. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my two parrots decided that my head was the best place to have sex. FML
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time. In his front room was a giant parrot. Hoping to impress them, I went over to the bird and began talking to it proving I wasn't scared. Out of nowhere, it's beak clenched onto my nose making it gush blood on the carpet. I was hospitalized. FML
Today, my boyfriend's parents' parrot won't stop imitating my sex moans, and keeps doing it whenever I speak. FML
Today, I was showing off my new pet bird to my friends over video chat. I opened the cage to demonstrate how friendly he was. Instead of perching on my finger like usual, he flew out the window. I spent the next hour chasing him around the neighborhood in my pajamas. FML
Today, I came home to see my husband talking to his penis. FML
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend, her pet bird whistled a tune she'd been trying to teach it. She stopped and congratulated it, and I took the chance to move it to the other room to prevent further distraction. She got mad and wouldn't let me back in bed because I just "untrained it." FML
Today, it was my first time with a new boyfriend. We had sex in my living room. He asked if he could "eat my pussy." This has became my parakeet's new favorite phrase. FML
Today, I have to look after my best friend's parrot for a few days. One minute out of the room, I came back in to find out that the parrot had taught my three-year-old the word "slut". Now the two won't stop screaming "slut" throughout the whole house. My wife thinks both learned the word from me. FML
Today, I woke up to hear my boyfriend drunkenly crashing around in the living room, after peeing in an ashtray because he thought it was a urinal. FML
Today, my pet parrot learned a new trick. In addition to imitating my dog, and my voice when I call my mother, it can now imitate my sex noises, and likes to screech them whenever someone comes into the room. FML
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Top comments
BlameTheOwls 14
Not gonna lie, that's a great image.
kiki1705 20
Is he having a hard time teaching them? =)
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Comments (126)
BlameTheOwls 14
Not gonna lie, that's a great image.
lexiieeex3 32
"Great" isn't the word I would use...
onlychildFTW 34
The first thing I thought is "ouch, the claws, what if they clench?"
iLike2Teabag 27
If he got all 3 of them on there, that'd be quite an accomplishment.
Just_A_Tree 20
It's all fun and games, until the bird bites! I used to have a African Grey, and let me tell you, that guy would make eye contact with you while he snapped a bone (chicken, from KFC) in half like it was a toothpick. Some of the bones we gave him were similar to fingers! Trust me! It's not the feet or claws you should really worry about.
sig4life 18
Wow just Wow
incoherentrmblr 22
If only they were Cockatoos...
RedPillSucks 33
peckers on his pecker?
pjsr 33
'Baby parakeets' = baby sized dick
isisorchid 16
Baby. Parakeets. One ounce, two inch tall, baby parakeets. Their beaks open millet spray. Not exactly a bone crusher like a large parrot. If the parakeet bit, which they don't usually, it'd be a small pinch.
Ardeku 15
it seems weird to me that you were feeding your bird chicken, another bird.
isisorchid 16
I have a severe macaw that loves chicken and scrambled eggs. Though his hands down favorite has to be sloppy joes.
Just_A_Tree 20
Ya, we thought it was pretty bad too. But the bone marrow is very good for them. And he seemed to react like it was a treat. But I did at one point have chickens as well (not fed to the parrot). Fun Fact: Chickens are naturally cannibalistic! Yes, they will eat each other, and a common problem is, if they tasted their own eggs (one breaks on accident and they taste it). Because they like their own eggs enough that they will stop laying them for reproduction, and they would start eating the eggs! Chickens will also naturally kill off and eat any obviously weak or injured chickens! They are more savage than Kanye West's ego!
zRatio 6
Thats magneficent. Thats the right word that should be use to describe this image
shinikageWolf 15
Small pinch on the penis will still hurt like a bitch. It's just a bunch sensitive nerves down there.
Hiimhaileypotter 53
@109 Chickens will eat their own eggs, yes, because like the taste if they accidentally break an egg and then eat part of it. But they won't stop laying because of that, and it's entirely possible to break them of the habit (using wooden egg decoys in the nests as well as putting a ton black pepper in a broken egg and letting them taste it work well). Chickens in most normal circumstances will not kill each other; there is always a pecking order and some hens are lower and often get picked on. Keeping sick or weak birds with a healthy flock is a recipe for disaster as they will see the weakness and, yes, will attempt to kill the weak bird to keep predators away. This, as well as aggressive pecking, are extremely uncommon problems and are often caused by stress in a flock, such as having inadequate space per chicken, external parasites, and nutritional deficiencies of salt and sulfur. I'm only clarifying this because your comment made it sound like chickens often kill and eat each other. I can promise that they don't. :)
BasedComment 15
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Bird fetish.
NostalgiaFreak9 43
That comment and your profile picture go very well together.
BSnapZ 21
#27 Not really...
NostalgiaFreak9 43
If you watch the magic school bus as a kid, you would understand.
Soloman212 28
It wasn't a pun though..
tantanpanda 26
does it have to be?
chazzywazzy654 22
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
How romantic...
cakefete2 31
Romantic?! She comes home to her boyfriend drunk with three chicks on his **** and you call it romantic? Where are the people who always say "I hope you mean ex bf/gf"?
playahater1 11
Sorry to point this out but I'm pretty sure the "..." Shows she was being sarcastic
SystemofaBlink41 27
And I'm pretty sure #34 was also joking...
cakefete2 31
Thank you. I figured they would get that I was joking from "chicks" referring to bird chicks and not slang for women, but I've been wrong before.
devildog562 33
You mean "Three Chicks One Dick " isn't going to be available on DVD ? Damn.
chazzywazzy654 22
Just to clarify, yes it was sarcasm *she says hiding under the pile of down votes*
thefmlman2011 37
That's kinda funny, I gotta admit
kiki1705 20
Is he having a hard time teaching them? =)
therouni 23
Ha! How very punny of you.
foxwasalamb 24
a hard feat to acumplish. maybe he should try feeding the birds nuts as incentive? or maybe the birds weren't used to that kind of jungle. either way, his wood just wasnt right
Epikatz 22
I think feeding the birds nuts is a bad idea in this scenario...
may14th 26
#17 you tried way too hard
foxwasalamb 24
i went down with a valiant fight
diving_fml 30
#78 that wasn't valiant at all
Bentonic 11
If he's trying to train them, he must have them on a rigid diet plan.
chill99 15
I think it was only 2, but he wouldn't let you post that.
lex1459 38
That's not what Polly wanted
RedPillSucks 33
well if he's a white guy...
Enslaved 38
Sounds more like Cockatiels
Wizardo 34
Wouldn't mind some Great **** or even Blue **** around there either I would presume.
botanistjessica 24
**** are a type of bird, for y'all who didn't find 22's comment funny.
dustin007 15
Aww Poor bird
lexiieeex3 32
Well if he succeeded then that's quite an accomplishment.
pjsr 33
Not really. They're baby parakeets